Pathetic

This night has been really crappy. Why?

1.   I binged and purged

2.   The purging part was really hard and extra gross today

3.   One of my friends made an update on facebook about how she was having fun at a restaurant with two of my other best friends. Thanks for the invitation bitches.

4.   I feel exceptionally lonely  and unloved

5.   There’s no good on TV

Fuck. I feel like crying but I can’t. I think I have dried up.  I feel like screaming because I don’t know what else to do. This is so stupid. I know that a good long cry will make me feel better but the tears are not coming. I used to cry all the time. Now the pain just turns into this silent anger. 

I just want to be thin. But I doubt thin people eat 8 cookies, 10 caramels, 2 bowels of cereal and 2 slices of bread. The binging part is so weird. In a way I know it’s coming, I can feel it. But at the same time I’m never sure how I suddenly ended up standing in the kitchen stuffing my face. It was after dinner and my mom said had bought these delicious caramels and cookies.  First I told myself that I had to eat a couple so my parents and sisters wouldn’t notice anything is up, but then my lovely bulimia tells me: “Fat ass, I can’t believe you just ate that. Now you HAVE to throw up. And if you’re going to throw up you might as well eat everything in sight.” And so I did.

It’s so frustrating. This morning I was 62.7 kg. Unless some magic power (maybe God?) decides to be kind to me my weight will go up tomorrow.

I love this image. It sums up my life.

I don’t think I can ever stop purging. I’m mia’s bitch for sure. You know, it’s now that I enjoy it. It’s so gross; my throat hurts, my eyes cry, sometimes I even throw up blood. And yet I keep going back to this crazy ritual. After having purged I feel like I see things a little more clearly. In a way it’s really freeing that the way I’m acting reflects the chaos in my head. At all other times I try to act as normally as possible but in that very moment when I’m on my knees with the fingers down my throat there is finally a connection between how I feel and how I act. However this feeling doesn’t last very long. Purging is also very familiar to me. It’s what I do, it’s my thing. It has been my ultimate coping mechanism the last 4 years. I fear I may have missed the normal way of coping with feelings.

Also, I’m angry with my so-called friends. We are a group of 4 girls who used to do everything together. This changed when we started different schools in 2008, but I still think of us as a group of four. They seem to not share this view. I think I know why they didn’t ask me to go with them. I usually say no. (I usually feel like sitting alone in my room being depressed.) But still, they could have asked me. I know they think I’m a little weird for wanting to be alone. I don’t tell them I want to be alone, I normally come up with some lame excuse but I’m pretty sure they are on to me. They must have noticed that I am isolating myself, and I guess I just think that if they were my best friends they would talk to me about it. But maybe that is too much to ask. I really don’t know anymore.  It’s just every time they call me they make me feel so guilty for not seeing them more often. And the way they say it, it doesn’t seem like it’s because they actually miss me, they are always so blaming and offended.  I don’t know. I’m just imagining them now talking about their stupid former friend Astrid who they don’t really talk to anymore. Stupid! I always create these scenarios in my head and they are never too kind to me.

Which leads me to the fourth point. I feel lonely. I’m listening to love songs and it makes me so depressed. I feel like I have lost the love of my life without ever having known him. And the patheticness of that makes me even sadder.

Dear Astrid, get over yourself.