Is this it?

WARNING: this post is extremely depressing and pathetic. I’m sorry.

....

Let me just sum up the events of this wonderful evening:

17:00: guests arrive

17:00-18:00: Eating too many peanuts, drinking too much champagne

18:00: Dinner. Eating tons of vegetables

18:15 Eating 3 pieces of sushi

18:20: Damn it, the sushi is good. Eat 3 more

18:30: Now that I have had too much sushi, I might as well eat some chicken

18:35: Fuck, I should not have eaten that.

18:40: Maybe I can still do okay. After all, I have only had 2 apples before dinner

19:00: Dessert. Taking a small amount of ice cream

19:15: Oh my god, I have probably just consumed over 1000 calories. I should throw up

19:20: If I’m gonna throw up I might as well eat more ice cream

20:00: Coffee and chocolate. I’ll eat as little as possible and then maybe I won’t have to throw up

20:20: Who am I kidding? I’m totally gonna throw up. And then I can just eat whatever the fuck I want to

20:29-23:00: Eating more chocolate. Wishing guests would go so I could throw up

23:00: Tell guests I’m tired and that I’ll go to bed

23:20: Throwing up in my room

23:40-now: Hating myself and being depressed

All of the mentioned events took place while I was trying to be social and pretending to be happy about graduation. I’m so tired of this. This is a very good example of what is wrong with me. This is the day where I’m supposed to be happy and I end up throwing up and crying in my room cursing the world, my parents and myself. Fuck me.  

I’m scared that this will be my life forever. I try to look positively at the future but honestly I don’t see how things could change. I keep holding on to this fantasy that someday someone or something will save me. I’m so pathetic and weak. This is what I need to do:

 Delightfully morbid

I see these people who suddenly say that they don’t want to do this eating disorder crap anymore (and good for them. Seriously, I’m happy for them) but I just don’t get it. Like, I don’t like having an eating disorder. I don’t enjoy throwing up. I don’t like being this depressed. But I can’t not. Yeah, maybe I could follow a food plan and eat like a normal person but it wouldn’t change the way I feel. Something is wrong in my head. I just feel so gross, wrong and like a waste of space. Even when I’m not motivated to lose weight I know I have to. It is the only thing in the world I know that brings me happiness. I thought that was the eating disorder, you know. I think it’s a part of the eating disorder that you can’t just walk away from it when you’ve had enough. I don’t know, it’s probably not the same for everybody.

Seriously I feel really bad for being such a depresso. Feel free to unfollow my blog. I won’t be too hurt (okay that’s a lie but still, I’d get why.) Hopefully I’ll be happier tomorrow. Take care of yourself ladies, you’re great!

Ps. Blogger is being a bitch and I can’t see who follow my blog, so if you want me to follow your blog, just leave a comment.   

Ps 2. I just heard my parents talk outside my room. My mom said: “I think this night was exactly how Astrid wanted it to be.” She has no idea. My parents make me so fucking angry.