Psychology

Tomorrow is my exam in psychology. Damn! I have to do well. Like really really well. My damaged ego needs it. After that exam I have only one left and then I’m done with school. Like forever maybe. The school system here is a little different but I think where I’m at now is kind of like last year of high school and the first years of college. I graduate at 18 but most of the other students are older than me.

People keep telling me how excited I must be and how big this is and bla bla bla. They make me feel very guilty for not being happy. I’m not excited cause I don’t have a plan. After graduating I have no idea what to do with myself. It’s not like I have enjoyed going to school and I have been close to dropping out several times, but still, I kind of liked how everything was planned out. Now I have to make a decision and I just don’t know. I don’t know what I wanna study, I don’t what I want to do with my life, I can’t even decide what I want for dinner. I’m not in a state where I’m capable of making sane life-changing decision.

I moved out 4 months ago but I have kind of moved back home. I always imagined how great it would be to live alone (and how much easier it would be to lose weight). I had a lot of issues with my parents and I just wanted to get away so badly.

But then when I finally lived alone I just felt even worse. The first days I just binged and purged nonstop cause there was no reason to not. The nights were really bad. I have always thought of myself as kind of a loner, that I would love to live alone and away from everybody. I still kind of think that. That I don’t need my friends, I just have them because it’s easier than to get rid of them. (Not a very nice side of me.) And I think it’s a little embarrassing but I just felt so lonely living alone.

So now I’m at home with my parents. They make fun of me for “giving up” so soon. My friends do that too. Argh shut up! They don’t get it.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so depressed. I actually feel ok-ish today, especially considered I have an exam tomorrow. Usually I would have fucked this day up, but so far I have had 300 calories. And it’s 18:15.

….

Ehh. It's now 00:30 and I still haven't posted this. Things took an unexpected turn (I binged and purged. Shh.) Seriously, why am I like this? I should be studying NOT VOMITTING. I’m so stupid. There was no need for it.

Also yesterday, I spent 332 $ on online shopping for clothes I don't even need. Apparently my issues with quantities and not having any self-control is not only restricted to my eating. Maybe I have a conflict in my anal stage. Hmm. Interesting.

This post just got even more depressing. I'm not even as depressed as I used to be. Whatever.

Rachel Bilson is such a cutie! She and Adam Brody were so cute!

Ps. Thank you for your comments, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who can relate to miss. Cyrus. Also, I actually got my period today so I'm hoping that was part of the reason I had gained weight. I didn’t weigh myself today and probably won’t tomorrow.