Busy, busy

I feel a little better now, but I’m just really stressed. I want to relax and sit in my room and do nothing but I don’t have the time.

My head is one big mess and I don’t really know how I feel.

-          I wish I didn’t had any plans the next week

-          I wish I didn’t have to go to my friend’s party later

-          I wish I hadn’t eaten that ice cream

-          I wish I had done better at my exams

-          I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life

I wish for a lot of things. I’m really stressed out about the fact that I have no idea what I wanna do the next year. We have to turn in our university applications by the 5^th of July = really soon. And I don’t know if I wanna study math or psychology. I’m not sure I can get into psychology. But I’m not even sure I wanna go to university, maybe I just wanna take the year off and work and try to figure out what I want.

I have some serious thinking to do. (I really suck at that! Damn)

I should start getting ready to my friend’s party. I really don’t wanna go cause I don’t know anybody there, except my one friend, and she will be pretty busy. I’m so bad at mingling with strangers, it’s horrible. I seriously think I’m socially retarded. I never know what to say. I either get a) really quiet and then really uncomfortable or b) really drunk and way too comfortable. I guess I just have to suck it up.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to post again. Tomorrow we celebrate our graduation all day. And Saturday I’ll be going to this festival and it last more than a week. So it might be a while.

Maybe I’ll write some more tonight if I‘ve got the time.

If not, take care of yourself and thank you for being here!  

Waaaaait, I forgot something really interesting. I bought an epilator and I just tried it. It actually doesn’t hurt as much as everybody says. I think it’s pretty great!

Is this it?

WARNING: this post is extremely depressing and pathetic. I’m sorry.

....

Let me just sum up the events of this wonderful evening:

17:00: guests arrive

17:00-18:00: Eating too many peanuts, drinking too much champagne

18:00: Dinner. Eating tons of vegetables

18:15 Eating 3 pieces of sushi

18:20: Damn it, the sushi is good. Eat 3 more

18:30: Now that I have had too much sushi, I might as well eat some chicken

18:35: Fuck, I should not have eaten that.

18:40: Maybe I can still do okay. After all, I have only had 2 apples before dinner

19:00: Dessert. Taking a small amount of ice cream

19:15: Oh my god, I have probably just consumed over 1000 calories. I should throw up

19:20: If I’m gonna throw up I might as well eat more ice cream

20:00: Coffee and chocolate. I’ll eat as little as possible and then maybe I won’t have to throw up

20:20: Who am I kidding? I’m totally gonna throw up. And then I can just eat whatever the fuck I want to

20:29-23:00: Eating more chocolate. Wishing guests would go so I could throw up

23:00: Tell guests I’m tired and that I’ll go to bed

23:20: Throwing up in my room

23:40-now: Hating myself and being depressed

All of the mentioned events took place while I was trying to be social and pretending to be happy about graduation. I’m so tired of this. This is a very good example of what is wrong with me. This is the day where I’m supposed to be happy and I end up throwing up and crying in my room cursing the world, my parents and myself. Fuck me.  

I’m scared that this will be my life forever. I try to look positively at the future but honestly I don’t see how things could change. I keep holding on to this fantasy that someday someone or something will save me. I’m so pathetic and weak. This is what I need to do:

 Delightfully morbid

I see these people who suddenly say that they don’t want to do this eating disorder crap anymore (and good for them. Seriously, I’m happy for them) but I just don’t get it. Like, I don’t like having an eating disorder. I don’t enjoy throwing up. I don’t like being this depressed. But I can’t not. Yeah, maybe I could follow a food plan and eat like a normal person but it wouldn’t change the way I feel. Something is wrong in my head. I just feel so gross, wrong and like a waste of space. Even when I’m not motivated to lose weight I know I have to. It is the only thing in the world I know that brings me happiness. I thought that was the eating disorder, you know. I think it’s a part of the eating disorder that you can’t just walk away from it when you’ve had enough. I don’t know, it’s probably not the same for everybody.

Seriously I feel really bad for being such a depresso. Feel free to unfollow my blog. I won’t be too hurt (okay that’s a lie but still, I’d get why.) Hopefully I’ll be happier tomorrow. Take care of yourself ladies, you’re great!

Ps. Blogger is being a bitch and I can’t see who follow my blog, so if you want me to follow your blog, just leave a comment.   

Ps 2. I just heard my parents talk outside my room. My mom said: “I think this night was exactly how Astrid wanted it to be.” She has no idea. My parents make me so fucking angry.

It’s a beautiful day

I think this is the most happy I have been all year. I’ve just had my final exam, so now I’m done with school. Yeah, let me say that again: I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL!! No more ancient history, no more religion and most importantly no more gym! Hell motherfucking yeah. My last exam was history and I had to talk about the war in Vietnam and Afghanistan. And it went really well. I’m just so happy that it’s all done. These last months have been filled with guilt for not studying hard enough and now I can finally just relax. And man, I’m so tired. I think I could sleep for a couple of days.

Another reason to be happy: I’ve lost weight. I’m now 138.6 pounds. Ehh, still gross, but way better. I have lost 3 pounds in 2 days. No complaints. So now I have to lose 2 pounds in 3 days, which should be doable. Only problem (besides my lack of self-control of course) is that my parents throw me this graduation party/dinner tonight. There will be chicken, potato salad and SUSHI. Damn, I love sushi. And it’s not all that unhealthy right? The real issue is the quantity. But there will also be vegetables and watermelon, so I’ll stick to those things. Dessert is ice cream and I asked my parents to buy the healthiest one (=the one with the least calories) so it’s not too horrible.

My history teacher told me after my exam that I needed some more “weight.” (I’m not sure that’s the correct translation of that word, but it’s like power.) He said I had all the right answers but that I needed to be more convincing and confident. He also asked me why I had never shared my “wisdom” in class. That’s cause I’m the good quiet girl, mister. Also I don’t like to have to prove myself in front of a lot of people who I don’t really like. Screw it, schools is over. But I just don’t like that my insecurity is that obvious. I wish I was this confident, funny, cool person and not this depressed girl who desperately counts every calorie in an attempt to be those things. Whatever, I’ll worry about that later, right now I just wanna be happy.

Ps. Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

Damn it!

Of course I didn’t stick to the plan today.

This is what happened: I was doing okay until like 3 pm. Then while studying I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about the cookies in the kitchen, but I reminded myself that even though I’m disappointed I haven’t lost weight the solution is not to eat more shit. But the cookies are stuck in my head and then I also started fantasizing about nutella. (it has been in the kitchen for a week but I haven’t touched it!) Then I went to the kitchen and made myself a very healthy snack consisting of 2 wholegrain crackers with low fat cheese. But you know what, the whole eat-frequently-small-meals-to-avoid-binging doesn’t work for me. Cause after eating my snack I thought, screw it, I have already not stuck to the plan so I might as well eat whatever food I can get my hands on and then throw up. Yeah, sure great idea. So then I ate two buns with nutella, three cookies, dates (?) and a bowl of cereal.

And after throwing up I had dinner with my family. Lovely I must say, just lovely.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Astrid! This is not the way to lose weight. This is the reason you are already fat. STOP EATING!

(Arrgghh I'm so angry with myself, that this could be me)

Well, there's always tomorrow ...... 

Determined

Food:

10 am: Coffee

1 pm: Apple and coffee  

4 pm: Soup

8 pm: Apple and soup and some snacking

11 pm: Apple

What a perfectly balanced diet! The soup is so great; it’s only like 30 calories per serving. Okay it doesn’t have a lot of flavor but whatever, it keeps me occupied. Also I love apples; they’re probably my favorite food. You can eat them whole, cut them into halves or make thin slices. (aaah, the endless possibilities of the apples!) I just really like them.  

If I’m lucky I’ll be 136.6 pounds (62 kg) on Friday. This morning I was 141.6*. (*I’ve got my period, I have been stressed, it’s full moon?). I have no excuses for myself, well, not any good ones. Can you lose 5 pounds in a week? I know it’s gonna be tough but I really really need to do it. I cannot keep being this fat.  

I think god is testing me. God being my mom. She has bought 3 packets of diam-bars, 2 backs of peanuts, a chocolate cake and a back of Haribo. But it’s okay. I will not eat any of it because I have another goal. I got out of dinner as my friend and I went for a walk. Not real exercise, but still, I think we walked for like 2 hours. Better than not doing anything. I’m pretty sure I have stayed under 500 calories, definitely under 600 calories. So I can proudly say that today was a success.

I’m not completely happy cause I have only one day left to study for my history exam and I think I have to read like 1500 pages. God, why have I been such a slacker the last three years? Some of the subjects I have never heard of before. Like the Spanish civil war. And the explorations. Where the hell was I?! Obviously I don’t have time to read it all so I just have to give up on some of the subjects and pray to god I won’t get those. Great plan!

(Skinny people have problems too. Jude still did the nanny)

But at least Sienna never has to worry about being the fat friend  

Witherspoon is pretty annoying with her good-girl speech, but muted she has nice legs.  

If you want something you work for it

You gotta work, work

This may come as a shock, but I actually nailed my psychology exam today. My teacher said I was the best student. I made me feel very good, especially cause he is really hot. Like really, he’s also a model. I usually make more of an effort in classes where I think the teacher is hot. I was thinking about posting a picture of him here, but that might be a little too creepy. Yeah, I think I better not.

We also got our grades for our written exams and I did pretty well. I got two 12’s (A?) in physics and math and a 10 (B?) in Danish. Yeah, have I mentioned I’m from Denmark? I don’t think so, so now you know.

I should be really happy but I’m not. I’m still fat and in the end that’s what really counts. But I’m working on it. So far today has not been too bad. I think I have had like 700 calories and it’s 22:00. I considered fasting but I don’t wanna end up failing so I’m just taking it slowly.  

 Problem is I need to lose 10 pounds in a week and that’s maybe just a tad too optimistic.

You know what? Fuck it. I will lose a gigantic amount of weight this week. I can do it I just need a plan. Here is my very exciting plan. (I love making schedules. They make me feel very much in control.)

	Saturday	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday
Note	Study!	Study!!	24 hr history exam!	History exam and party	Meet with friends and meeting at 8 pm	Friend’s party
Food	Max 500 calories.	Max 500 calories	Max 1000 calories	My parents throw me a party = a lot of food. Vegetables and sushi!	Max 700 calories	Max 800 calories
Exercise	Run/walk/bike for at least 30 minutes	Guess not	No!	Naa	Fitness 1 hr	Fitness
Other	Leave house for dinner. Maybe I’ll say I’m visiting a friend and then go for a walk.	Tell parent I’m too nervous to eat	Tell parents I’m too busy to eat dinner with them?	We will probably also have alcohol.	Tell parents we will eat at the meeting	Tell parents I’ll eat at friend’s party. Tell friend I ate at home

All right, this plan involves a lot of lying, but whatever.

I thought I would end this post with an ode to Denmark so here's some pictures of some lovely Danish people:

Helena Christensen

Freja Beha Erichsen

Lykke May

... yeah, that's it I guess.

Psychology

Tomorrow is my exam in psychology. Damn! I have to do well. Like really really well. My damaged ego needs it. After that exam I have only one left and then I’m done with school. Like forever maybe. The school system here is a little different but I think where I’m at now is kind of like last year of high school and the first years of college. I graduate at 18 but most of the other students are older than me.

People keep telling me how excited I must be and how big this is and bla bla bla. They make me feel very guilty for not being happy. I’m not excited cause I don’t have a plan. After graduating I have no idea what to do with myself. It’s not like I have enjoyed going to school and I have been close to dropping out several times, but still, I kind of liked how everything was planned out. Now I have to make a decision and I just don’t know. I don’t know what I wanna study, I don’t what I want to do with my life, I can’t even decide what I want for dinner. I’m not in a state where I’m capable of making sane life-changing decision.

I moved out 4 months ago but I have kind of moved back home. I always imagined how great it would be to live alone (and how much easier it would be to lose weight). I had a lot of issues with my parents and I just wanted to get away so badly.

But then when I finally lived alone I just felt even worse. The first days I just binged and purged nonstop cause there was no reason to not. The nights were really bad. I have always thought of myself as kind of a loner, that I would love to live alone and away from everybody. I still kind of think that. That I don’t need my friends, I just have them because it’s easier than to get rid of them. (Not a very nice side of me.) And I think it’s a little embarrassing but I just felt so lonely living alone.

So now I’m at home with my parents. They make fun of me for “giving up” so soon. My friends do that too. Argh shut up! They don’t get it.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so depressed. I actually feel ok-ish today, especially considered I have an exam tomorrow. Usually I would have fucked this day up, but so far I have had 300 calories. And it’s 18:15.

….

Ehh. It's now 00:30 and I still haven't posted this. Things took an unexpected turn (I binged and purged. Shh.) Seriously, why am I like this? I should be studying NOT VOMITTING. I’m so stupid. There was no need for it.

Also yesterday, I spent 332 $ on online shopping for clothes I don't even need. Apparently my issues with quantities and not having any self-control is not only restricted to my eating. Maybe I have a conflict in my anal stage. Hmm. Interesting.

This post just got even more depressing. I'm not even as depressed as I used to be. Whatever.

Rachel Bilson is such a cutie! She and Adam Brody were so cute!

Ps. Thank you for your comments, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who can relate to miss. Cyrus. Also, I actually got my period today so I'm hoping that was part of the reason I had gained weight. I didn’t weigh myself today and probably won’t tomorrow.  

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

HIT ME!

Is butter a carb?

I don’t really have much to say. I have gained weight and it’s so not fair. Like yesterday, I worked out for an hour at least, went on bike for like 40 minutes and I definitely stayed under 1000 calories. And still, I gain weight. What’s the point? But I gotta keep going.

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

When a Miley Cyrus song could be used as the soundtrack to your life, you should be worried.

We only breathe for so long

Today is not so bad. It’s almost dinnertime and so far I have only had like 150 calories, mainly liquids. Not too bad. My parents are not home to cook dinner so I’m not sure what to get. Normally I’d like that but right now all the different possibilities are just making me confused. What should I eat? More soup? But it contains a lot of salt, not good. Maybe this spicy chicken and rise thing that contains about 500 calories? But 500 calories is quite a lot and maybe it will make we want to binge/purge later. Should I just not eat a meal but keep snacking the whole night? Arrrggh what is wrong with me?! If only I put that many thoughts into studying maybe I would do a little better.

It’s so annoying. I have barely been studying today and it’s not like I have been doing anything else. Time’s a bitch. The days pass too quickly but the hours too slowly. Like during the day I just want time to speed up. I’m so bored and I’m constantly scared of eating too much. But I feel guilty for not making better use of my time. I’m not studying, I’m not doing anything productive, I’m just wasting my youth on this shit. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow being thin and finally being able to live my life.   

I’m pretty mean too. This morning my sister and I kind of argued. This is what happened:

I walk into the living room and notice that my sister is painting her nails with my nail polish.

Me: Is that my nail polish you are using? (knowing the answer but wanting her to admit her unforgiveable crime)

She: I don’t know.

Me: Well, yeah it’s mine. I got it last year. (admit it woman!!)

She: I’m sorry (sarcastically)   

Me: It’s okay, I’ll survive. 

She: It doesn’t sound that way.

Me: I just wanted to make sure.

… (pause) …

Me: When are you leaving??!! (move it, bitch)

Why am I being such a pain in the ass? It’s stupid. I know that I’m being annoying and bitchy but just keep going. Maybe I need more things to fill out my day.

La solution? Online shopping!

I want these shoes from Monki:

 

And to look this fierce:

I hate nuts

Nuts and dried fruit = the devil!!!
I have made myself some tea and now I’m watching Million dollar baby in an attempt to not binge/purge.      

I just managed to eat 700 calories in nuts and dried fruit. Fuck. A part of me thinks that now I might as well eat the brownie and cookies and then purge. But the other (more sane) part reminds me that I have already purged one time today and it was pretty awful so doing it again = not a great idea. I know I shouldn’t binge and purge but 700 calories, that’s a fucking lot. But I’m sure if I eat the other stuff too will only make things worse. Right?

I will do better tomorrow, I really will. Until dinner I will only have liquids. Seriously I have to stick to it. Why?

1.       Summertime = bikini-time

2.       Graduation. It will probably be the last time I see a bunch of people and I really don’t want them to remember me as fat!

3.       University next year. I definitely don’t wanna be the new fat student

4.       I would like to wear shorts

5.       I don’t wanna be the fat friend

6.       I would like to be able to dress in the morning without being disgusted

7.       I know I would do better at my exams if I were thinner

8.       I want to feel OK about myself

9.       I want my old clothes to fit me well and not this tightly

10.   I need new clothes and shopping when you’re fat is not a joy.

  

I only have two exams left and since I have already fucked up my average there’s no (well not as much) pressure so I just need to focus on losing weight.

My life would be so much easier if I looked like this

he is dancing on his son's grave

This pretty much describes my last week:

Stressing -> eating -> purging -> no time to study -> more stress -> more food -> more throwing up -> even less time to study = doing really bad at my exams

It’s so stupid! My exams have never been as important as they are now and I have never been getting as bad grades as now. I think it’s time for me to realize that I will never get to study psychology cause I’m just too stupid. Too bad.  

I used to think that I was pretty smart, like that was my thing. You know, I not nice, I’m definitely not fun to be around (even some of my friends have stopped inviting me when they’re hanging out, for god’s sakes) and I’m so fucking fat. Being smart was supposed to be my thing but I guess it’s just something I have been making up to feel better about myself.

I haven’t weighed myself in almost a week, but last time I had gained and my eating has definitely not been weight loss worthy. So yeah, still fat. Lately I have been feeling like, what’s the point? I keep trying to not eat but I just keep getting fatter. Whyyyy. Why can’t someone in the universe just see how badly I want this and let me have it, just this one time?

While I wait for the universe to do its thing I will find some pretty pictures:

- Constance Jablonski. That hair is so cute.  

- Lauren Hutton