Dramaqueen

Holy fuck, I had almost forgotten what it’s like to be so full you worry you’ll explode. Fuck! I had to lay down on the floor and wait for the intense pain to pass. And it did. And then I ate some more. And then I threw up.

What a lovely Saturday.

/Gross bulimic alert!!!

I think I got most of it up, but I’m never sure. How do you guys know you’ve got it all up? This is how it goes: The first I throw up is horrible and very liquid. Then it gets easier and it’s not too bad actually. But then I reach a certain point where it just seems like I can’t get more up. But if I keep trying I sometimes manage and then it’s always something like chocolate and other things that are difficult to get up. But this part just hurt so fucking much. And I start to cough and then sometimes things I have eaten a long time ago come up. Like some of dinner (I only had pores!) but it’s not like I have gotten all of the other shit out. But this is usually where I stop. I also don’t want to get caught.

/End

(If I looked like that I’d make friends. No doubt!)

The thought of starting at uni on Monday is so freaking scary. I really hope the other people are nice. We meet to eat breakfast together in groups of 15-20 people at 7:30. Argghhhhhhh (=anxiety attack!) I can just imagining sitting there in a heavy awkward silence searching through my mind to find something decent to say. And I won’t find anything. I’m so scared that I will just sit alone in a corner watching all the people getting along and bonding. No no no. This can’t happen. I’m not mean. I’m not a horrible person (…right?) so of course I’ll make some friends. Yes. One of my biggest concerns is, as always, my weight. I’m fat. I’m not overweight but I’m still fat. I look fat. My legs look gross. My hips are huge. But I have to tell myself that people will still be friends with me. They won’t make fun of me. They won’t talk about me behind my back. (I’m so scared!!!!!!) And WTF, meeting at 7:30 am??? That means I have to get up at like 6:30 or even earlier. I don’t even remember last time I got up that early. I’ll look all worn out.  

So I meet these people on Monday and then we go on a trip on Tuesday and we come back Saturday. So just so you guys know I probably won’t be able to post the next week. I don’t really know what to do about food those days. It’s such an issue when you’re fat. If I eat a lot people will think “whoa, no wonder you’re that fat. What a greedy and selfish bitch.” And if I try to eat less they’ll be like ”OMG, who the fuck is this bitch trying to fool? Obviously she eats a lot more normally.” Ideas are very welcome!

I should start packing. I don’t have a lot of time tomorrow since it’s my parent’s wedding-day. That also means tons of food. Let’s be honest: I’ll probably throw up.

Oh yeah, my best friend is going to India for 4 months. It was so weird when we said goodbye. We were both very aware of how it should have been. You know, like in the movies, with tears and a heart to heart. But we just both stood there like “okay, so this is it.” “Yeah, I guess.” “Okay then” “And I (IIIIIII) will always love you, IIIIIII…” So we just started singing. It’s not that I’m not going to miss her. I really mean it when I say she’s my best friend. She doesn’t know about my eating disorder or “that stuff” but I still think she gets me more than most people. I think I love her, but I’m not sure.

Anyway, this is long. One last thing:  I think my plan for meeting the new people at uni will be to smile a lot and really make an effort in (at?) talking to everybody. I know I suck at talking to strangers but if I just pretend to be cool about it, it shouldn’t be so bad. (Who am I kidding? It’s going to be a slow death. Nooo positive attitude! Nobody wants to talk to the depresso. Fuck it.)