No brain

/This was written yesterday!

I hung out with my friend yesterday and guess what? We actually had fun and it wasn’t awkward as I had predicted. So typical me. But she also brought buns (all white bread) that she wanted us to eat. I ate like one half. And then later I went to the gym with my sister for the fourth day in a row so during the last 7 days I’ve been going to the gym 5 times! I know I keep talking about it but it’s just because I’m so surprised by myself. Some months I only go 5 times (or less!).

I couldn’t sleep last night and I got really frustrated but I finally managed to fall asleep at like 3:30 am and this morning I had to get up at 7:30 because some electric guy was coming. So I’m really tired now, but I don’t want to take a nap cause I wanna be able to fall asleep tonight. I don’t have any plans today which is not so great. I think I’ll eat dinner at my parents because my other sister (the one who doesn’t live at home) is coming too and I really want to talk to her. The thought of going to my parents place is a little scary though, mainly cause of the endless binge options. I have been doing pretty well lately with food but it’s probably because I don’t really have I choice. I only bought vegetables and some fruit so that makes it a lot easier not to binge. I guess I shouldn’t go to my parents too long before dinner-time cause I’ll just eat and eat and eat.

Today:

I started this morning with a lovely binge! I should feel bad about it but I’m just kind of numb. I’m at my parents place and tomorrow they’re getting a new bath (can you say that?) so the plumber is gonna be here all day and that really annoys me cause I actually know now that I want to binge/purge again tomorrow. My mom has baked the most delicious cake and I dream of eating it and then throwing it all up. God, I’m sick! Anyway, it’s probably for the best that I won’t be able to.

I don’t really know how many calories I’ve had today. The binge was pretty massive, like 2000 calories but I think I got a good amount of it back up. (Yummy!) After that I didn’t eat much before going to the gym. And after I snacked a bit on like fruit and yoghurt and cereal but it probably added up. I don’t know, I guess I’m just pretty happy that this day is over. I really shouldn’t want to binge. It’s not that I want it actually; I just know I won’t be able to control myself. How lame! I can control myself right? I’m in control. …. (no I’m not, not at all.) Fuck I think I’m going completely insane. At least I have lost 1 kg since last I weighed myself.