Suck it and see

Why is it that I can work my ass off three days and if I’m lucky I lose one pound but then I have one bad day and I gain 2 pound? I’m never going to lose weight. I feel like giving up but I can’t let myself do that. Yesterday I weighed 65.1 kg so I hoped to get below 65 kg this morning but I ate dinner with my family yesterday so that didn’t happen. I didn’t even eat that much. I don’t think I had more than 1200 calories and I went for a walk but this morning I was 65.8 kg.

This time losing weight is not a joy. It’s a slave’s job that needs to be done for the sake of my mental well-being. I don’t look forward to weighing 64 kg or 63 kg cause that is still so fucking fat. Obviously this mindset is not very helpful to my weight-loss. I really want to lose weight but I just don’t think I can do much more than I’m doing right now. I go to the gym frequently and I restrict the best I can. I should be able to eat dinner with my family once in a while without fucking it all up.

I’ve been thinking about pretending to be sick today so I can fast for the rest of the day. And tomorrow I won’t be home for dinner cause I’m going out with some friends. And then Saturday I can say I’m too hung-over to eat. OR I could go to the gym tonight at dinner time and then just try to eat as little as possible? I don’t know. The latter is probably the smartest choice but I don’t really care at the moment. I just don’t want to be this fat.

I found some old pictures of myself. Looking at them is kind of depressing cause I don’t look like that at all anymore. Hopefully I will soon. Most of them are from January and I think I weighed like 57 kg (125 pound) but I didn’t work out that much back then.

/ps. I’m extremely scared that someone will recognize me in these pictures. If you do please never mention it. I will deny everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /

Paranoid that people will recognize me (or my room!)

Quite possibly the smallest gap ever observed. But better than touching thighs!!

   

Still huge hips, but much smaller waist!

… yeah I’m sucking it in but whatever!

And for something much grosser: how I look now! I took these two this morning and it does NOT look good. Also keep in mind I’m wearing heels, my legs are normally even worse. (ps. can you say grosser? ehh)

I also stumbled across this:

lol.

I should get back to hating the world and feeling sorry for myself. (I might even listen to some James Blunt!) You guys are so great!