I have told you guys that I have my own place right? For the time being I’m staying at my parents though. But I’m thinking maybe it’s about time I move out. Like really. I tried to move out a couple of months ago but that kind of failed. My address is still at my own place but I have just spent most of my time at my parents.
I don’t know, I just feel really lonely and depressed at my own place. It’s weird cause when I’m around other people I usually just want them to go away and be alone. But when I’m alone everything just seems even worse. But I think being alone is good for losing weight. (unless I turn into my good old crazy bulimic state of mind. I cannot!)
I’m so angry with my parents. When things were really bad like a year ago I told my mom about my eating disorder and depression and my fucked up mind but she hasn’t really mentioned it since. When I told her she was like “ehh, yeah, we kind of knew…” WTF?! I also told my little sister. But the next day we just all sat eating dinner like nothing had happened. I so regret telling them. Not that it made much of a difference but they don’t deserve to know. I now they think I’m fine now because I’m fat. One day during our vacation my sister made a really mean joke about people who go to a counselor to lose weight. She was really sarcastic and like “arhh, my life is so hard, I just can’t stop eating because I have all of these feelings. Whiny whiny.” Ehh, sister, what the hell? Has she completely forgotten the small detail that I actually have an eating disorder? I guess. That’s the ugly truth: people don’t give a shit if you’re not thin.
I just thought I would be so much happier once I moved out so when I found out that moving out didn’t really made any change I just got even more depressed. And fat. Maybe it will be different this time. It just doesn’t make any sense. I hate my parents, they make me so fucking angry but at the same time I just want them to take care of me.
This is what I want:
- I want to lose so much weight and die so that they will feel bad for not taking me seriously
- I want to cut my wrist and bleed before their eyes
- I want them to love me and not be so disappointed in me
- I want them to help me
- I want to yell at them and show them my scars
- I want to never talk to them again
It’s so stupid and I can’t figure it out.
This seems very dramatic and really it’s not. I’m just so confused and had to get it out.
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I have been back for 5 days and I have been at the gym 3 times so that’s fine. Next week I’ll go 4 times!
gaaaah. own place. sounds awesome. i have a banana. does that count?? ;D
SvarSletyeaah. i can tell how you feel. at least 98% of the time, i want to be alone and will hex anyone that tries to butt in but when the entire house is empty, it feels kind of...cold and lonely and the days draw on longer. it feels like an obligation to have something playing in the background just to drawn out said loneliness.
being alone can suck but my binge-state doesn't change if i'm alone or with certain people - there are very few who can prevent me from binge-mode.
that picture is hilarious - imagining snape on the other end! *hp nerd*
-_- i hate that! being fat does not mean an ed is not in prescence! gahhh. if anything, bed and cod sufferers are usually overweight!
truly reminds me how stereotypical the world is. just because you've got an ed, they expect you to be 50lbs and must be fed through a tube.
i've wanted to disappear and feel pretty. i feel disgusting, like i've eaten too much and i can't shake that feeling. and i haven't eaten in 53 hours. i can't shake this feeling of failure. i can feel every pound of fat that drags me down, refusing to let go, wasting space...
gah! the gym. i hate that place.
good luck, astrid. please don't be too hard on yourself, i hope you can figure everything out!!
I know the feeling.. When I told my parents I was molested (told them like 6 years later) they were like "okay, how awfull" and never mentioned it again. I guess people doesn't know how to handle some things..
SvarSlet