Dramaqueen

Holy fuck, I had almost forgotten what it’s like to be so full you worry you’ll explode. Fuck! I had to lay down on the floor and wait for the intense pain to pass. And it did. And then I ate some more. And then I threw up.

What a lovely Saturday.

/Gross bulimic alert!!!

I think I got most of it up, but I’m never sure. How do you guys know you’ve got it all up? This is how it goes: The first I throw up is horrible and very liquid. Then it gets easier and it’s not too bad actually. But then I reach a certain point where it just seems like I can’t get more up. But if I keep trying I sometimes manage and then it’s always something like chocolate and other things that are difficult to get up. But this part just hurt so fucking much. And I start to cough and then sometimes things I have eaten a long time ago come up. Like some of dinner (I only had pores!) but it’s not like I have gotten all of the other shit out. But this is usually where I stop. I also don’t want to get caught.

/End

(If I looked like that I’d make friends. No doubt!)

The thought of starting at uni on Monday is so freaking scary. I really hope the other people are nice. We meet to eat breakfast together in groups of 15-20 people at 7:30. Argghhhhhhh (=anxiety attack!) I can just imagining sitting there in a heavy awkward silence searching through my mind to find something decent to say. And I won’t find anything. I’m so scared that I will just sit alone in a corner watching all the people getting along and bonding. No no no. This can’t happen. I’m not mean. I’m not a horrible person (…right?) so of course I’ll make some friends. Yes. One of my biggest concerns is, as always, my weight. I’m fat. I’m not overweight but I’m still fat. I look fat. My legs look gross. My hips are huge. But I have to tell myself that people will still be friends with me. They won’t make fun of me. They won’t talk about me behind my back. (I’m so scared!!!!!!) And WTF, meeting at 7:30 am??? That means I have to get up at like 6:30 or even earlier. I don’t even remember last time I got up that early. I’ll look all worn out.  

So I meet these people on Monday and then we go on a trip on Tuesday and we come back Saturday. So just so you guys know I probably won’t be able to post the next week. I don’t really know what to do about food those days. It’s such an issue when you’re fat. If I eat a lot people will think “whoa, no wonder you’re that fat. What a greedy and selfish bitch.” And if I try to eat less they’ll be like ”OMG, who the fuck is this bitch trying to fool? Obviously she eats a lot more normally.” Ideas are very welcome!

I should start packing. I don’t have a lot of time tomorrow since it’s my parent’s wedding-day. That also means tons of food. Let’s be honest: I’ll probably throw up.

Oh yeah, my best friend is going to India for 4 months. It was so weird when we said goodbye. We were both very aware of how it should have been. You know, like in the movies, with tears and a heart to heart. But we just both stood there like “okay, so this is it.” “Yeah, I guess.” “Okay then” “And I (IIIIIII) will always love you, IIIIIII…” So we just started singing. It’s not that I’m not going to miss her. I really mean it when I say she’s my best friend. She doesn’t know about my eating disorder or “that stuff” but I still think she gets me more than most people. I think I love her, but I’m not sure.

Anyway, this is long. One last thing:  I think my plan for meeting the new people at uni will be to smile a lot and really make an effort in (at?) talking to everybody. I know I suck at talking to strangers but if I just pretend to be cool about it, it shouldn’t be so bad. (Who am I kidding? It’s going to be a slow death. Nooo positive attitude! Nobody wants to talk to the depresso. Fuck it.)

devotion

I cannot keep doing this half-hearted. It’s no wonder I’m not losing weight because I’m not giving it my all. I can do better than this. I’m going to show them all. I’m going to make my parents sorry.

I really wish I wasn’t so fat right now since I’m starting at uni on Monday. 3 days? Yeah, I can’t really make any big changes before that. But I have decided not to be depressed about my previous failures ‘cause nothing good comes out of it. I can’t change what has already been done (or not done, actually) but I can change the future. I will not keep being this fat. I simply can’t.  

I know I should make some sort of plan but don’t know how life is gonna be once I start school. Hopefully I’ll be more stressed and have less time to eat. But probably also less time to go to the gym. I should go at least twice a week, preferable three or four times. I think there’ll also be a lot of social things with food and extreme amounts of alcohol. Hmm. I don’t know. I think I’ll just wait and see. The first week we’re going on a trip that pretty much revolves around alcohol and we have to wear a costume. And this year the theme is zoo. (!!!!) Fuck, right, like we don’t feel awkward enough without being dressed up like a monkey. I’m sure this will make the process of desperately trying to make friends much easier. Fuck! I’m thinking about dressing up as a bee ‘cause it’s kind of easy but of course people don’t go to the zoo to watch bees but I hope it’s okay. It’s almost an animal right? If you have any ideas please let me know. I just don’t want to come as a slutty bunny or cat or something like that. I really hope the other girls feel the same way. If not I’m going to look like the biggest loser in my bee costume.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a new dentist September 16 so I really shouldn’t throw up before that. I probably will but I should limit it as much as possible. I haven’t thrown up in 2 days = great! It’s been a long time you know.

I haven’t weighed myself in a while but here are some goal weights anyway.

·         September 24: Party at my old school – 63 kg (138,6 lbs)

·         October 16: Birthday – 61 kg (134,2 lbs)

·         December 3: Party at uni – 58 kg (127,6 lbs)

Not too drastic or anything. I just really want to make it.

Why?

(Words cannot describe how much I wish I had those legs. Oh my god!)  

I found these pictures at www.bwbw.blogspot.com she got them from heplmegetthin.tumblr.com.

I have been doing surprisingly well the last two days. I have definitely not had more than 1000 calories and I’ve been to the gym. Now I’m just scared I’m going to screw it up. But I won’t. I’m in control. I will lose this weight.

When will I learn...

… that it’s a bad (bad!) idea to put extra chili on the chili con carne when I plan on throwing it up?

I woke up this morning with the worst hangover known to human kind. So I stayed in bed until 3 pm. Then I met my sister for coffee. And then I ate dinner with my family and we had ice-cream for dessert. And now my throat hurts and my eyes are wet. I guess I deserve it.

I was so drunk last night. I ended up making out with this random guy. I don’t know why. Like seriously I don’t remember how that came to happen. I was probably pretty slutty, but you know, whatever. I had fun (of what I can remember anyway!) I was home at like 6 in the morning so I’m pretty tired now.  

Suck it and see

Why is it that I can work my ass off three days and if I’m lucky I lose one pound but then I have one bad day and I gain 2 pound? I’m never going to lose weight. I feel like giving up but I can’t let myself do that. Yesterday I weighed 65.1 kg so I hoped to get below 65 kg this morning but I ate dinner with my family yesterday so that didn’t happen. I didn’t even eat that much. I don’t think I had more than 1200 calories and I went for a walk but this morning I was 65.8 kg.

This time losing weight is not a joy. It’s a slave’s job that needs to be done for the sake of my mental well-being. I don’t look forward to weighing 64 kg or 63 kg cause that is still so fucking fat. Obviously this mindset is not very helpful to my weight-loss. I really want to lose weight but I just don’t think I can do much more than I’m doing right now. I go to the gym frequently and I restrict the best I can. I should be able to eat dinner with my family once in a while without fucking it all up.

I’ve been thinking about pretending to be sick today so I can fast for the rest of the day. And tomorrow I won’t be home for dinner cause I’m going out with some friends. And then Saturday I can say I’m too hung-over to eat. OR I could go to the gym tonight at dinner time and then just try to eat as little as possible? I don’t know. The latter is probably the smartest choice but I don’t really care at the moment. I just don’t want to be this fat.

I found some old pictures of myself. Looking at them is kind of depressing cause I don’t look like that at all anymore. Hopefully I will soon. Most of them are from January and I think I weighed like 57 kg (125 pound) but I didn’t work out that much back then.

/ps. I’m extremely scared that someone will recognize me in these pictures. If you do please never mention it. I will deny everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /

Paranoid that people will recognize me (or my room!)

Quite possibly the smallest gap ever observed. But better than touching thighs!!

   

Still huge hips, but much smaller waist!

… yeah I’m sucking it in but whatever!

And for something much grosser: how I look now! I took these two this morning and it does NOT look good. Also keep in mind I’m wearing heels, my legs are normally even worse. (ps. can you say grosser? ehh)

I also stumbled across this:

lol.

I should get back to hating the world and feeling sorry for myself. (I might even listen to some James Blunt!) You guys are so great!

 

future body!

I skipped the gym today and chose to binge/purge twice instead. I don’t really know why. Maybe I was discouraged by the fact that I had not lost any weight. I know I gave a whole speech about how losing weight is not the most important thing, that I just wanted to tone up, but after all I guess it was just bullshit. I wanna lose weight. I want this body:

same old

Since I couldn’t binge this morning I turned to a much more acceptable coping-mechanism: exercise! That’s right, so since I’ve been back, the last 10 days I’ve been at the gym 7 times! Yes sir. I was pretty sore when I woke up so I just took a yoga class. And yeah, I also find it pretty boring, but I think I finally understood some of the moves cause my legs started to really hurt. I also went shopping, I bought two dresses in size 36 (us 6, uk 8 (??)) and they fit pretty well. It’s good to know I’m not completely overweight. One of the dresses is very tight and I think it will look so good once I lose these love-handles. Anytime soon! (never stop believing….!! Lol ) I also bought a book, “The curious incident of the dog in the night-time”, that’s what it’s called. I’m also reading a book with novels my Raymond Carver and they’re so great.

Also since I couldn’t binge this morning I binged in the evening. Fuck me, I’m so retarded. Sometimes I think I only binge so I can purge. But the main reason is probably just that I’m a week food-addict. It’s funny, I have never binged/purged as little as I’m doing now and I have never weighed this much. (funny funny!...) It just doesn’t make any sense. I always thought I would lose much more if I stopped binging/purging because I never got enough out but I guess that’s not the case. I think mia is slowly creeping up on me again, not that she/it ever really left but she kept quiet. (Does anybody else find it weird to personify their ED??!! It seems like a lot of people do it, but I’m not really feeling it. But it makes it easier to write about.)

I don’t really have anything to say. Throwing up makes me more depressed.

Ps. I know I have been terrible at commenting on your guys’ blogs lately, I will work on it.  

No brain

/This was written yesterday!

I hung out with my friend yesterday and guess what? We actually had fun and it wasn’t awkward as I had predicted. So typical me. But she also brought buns (all white bread) that she wanted us to eat. I ate like one half. And then later I went to the gym with my sister for the fourth day in a row so during the last 7 days I’ve been going to the gym 5 times! I know I keep talking about it but it’s just because I’m so surprised by myself. Some months I only go 5 times (or less!).

I couldn’t sleep last night and I got really frustrated but I finally managed to fall asleep at like 3:30 am and this morning I had to get up at 7:30 because some electric guy was coming. So I’m really tired now, but I don’t want to take a nap cause I wanna be able to fall asleep tonight. I don’t have any plans today which is not so great. I think I’ll eat dinner at my parents because my other sister (the one who doesn’t live at home) is coming too and I really want to talk to her. The thought of going to my parents place is a little scary though, mainly cause of the endless binge options. I have been doing pretty well lately with food but it’s probably because I don’t really have I choice. I only bought vegetables and some fruit so that makes it a lot easier not to binge. I guess I shouldn’t go to my parents too long before dinner-time cause I’ll just eat and eat and eat.

Today:

I started this morning with a lovely binge! I should feel bad about it but I’m just kind of numb. I’m at my parents place and tomorrow they’re getting a new bath (can you say that?) so the plumber is gonna be here all day and that really annoys me cause I actually know now that I want to binge/purge again tomorrow. My mom has baked the most delicious cake and I dream of eating it and then throwing it all up. God, I’m sick! Anyway, it’s probably for the best that I won’t be able to.

I don’t really know how many calories I’ve had today. The binge was pretty massive, like 2000 calories but I think I got a good amount of it back up. (Yummy!) After that I didn’t eat much before going to the gym. And after I snacked a bit on like fruit and yoghurt and cereal but it probably added up. I don’t know, I guess I’m just pretty happy that this day is over. I really shouldn’t want to binge. It’s not that I want it actually; I just know I won’t be able to control myself. How lame! I can control myself right? I’m in control. …. (no I’m not, not at all.) Fuck I think I’m going completely insane. At least I have lost 1 kg since last I weighed myself.   

cleaning up my mess

Back from the gym. I didn’t want to do anything too hard since I worked out yesterday (and the day before that) and I’ll be going again tomorrow so I took a yoga class. And I chose a gym that’s like 30 minutes away (on my bike). I met my friend at the gym and she asked if she could visit me tomorrow. I know I have been complaining about being lonely but just the moment she asked me I started making excuses. But yeah, I just texted her that she could come because I think that’s the normal thing to do. I haven’t seen her in a while and I just know it will be awkward. I told her she could get here at like 12 and I have to meet my sister at the gym at 17, so it’s not that long. I just really have to clean this place before she gets here. I have just cleaned the toilet and it was so gross.

I’m doing pretty well with food. Today I bought a lot of vegetables so I made a salad for dinner which was quite nice. I also added some egg-whites for some protein. I guess I have had like 700 calories today. And exercising is also going really well. I don’t have a scale here but when I come back to my parents I’ll weigh myself. Hopefully I have lost some weight by then.

I know I seem pretty depressed at the moment but I actually also feel very motivate. I know I will lose this weight because I have to. I don’t want to feel this way about myself. I want to look good. But I think I have become less focused on my weight and more on the way I look. I really want to build some muscle-mass and lose this fat so I if I’m not losing so much in the beginning I won’t be too depressed. I want to get my metabolism going and I want to have defined legs. I used to want to be really thin but now I’m aiming for toned. You know, still skinny-ish but not in a sick way, just fit, lean and healthy. I want it to look effortless too.        

How do I look?

Yesterday I went to my own place. I want to stay here for a while and make my parents miss me but I don’t think they will. whatever. Problem is that I don’t really have anything to do here. And we all know that depressed + lonely + bored = binging. Like this morning I started thinking that since I’m alone here I could go down to the supermarket and buy a lot of shitty food, eat it and then throw up. Wouldn’t that make a wonderful day?

Seriously, it’s so lame that I have to distract myself 24/7 in order to prevent myself from eating. I’m a woman obsessed. I should go to the gym. I actually think I will. And I should clean my bathroom. And maybe buy some food. But I can’t go to the supermarket when I’m in the mood for a binge. God, my life is so exciting. Maybe this is a great time to make plans with my friends. It’s kind of sad that I use friends as a distraction to not eat.

Speaking of sad I’m pretty nervous about starting at uni so I have just read a bunch of articles like “How to make a great first impression”, “How to make friends” and “How to smalltalk.” Seriously, why am I such a loser? I need to make sure I delete the things I have searched on google before starting. We also have to upload a “lifelike” picture of our self to the uni-webside. I’ve been stressing so much about this.  I want it to be a nice picture but it shouldn’t look like I’m trying too hard. I can’t find my camera so I need to choose one from facebook and it’s so difficult because most pictures of me on facebook I’m either a) gross or b) really drunk. (Usually both!) I also don’t wanna choose a really great picture and then when they see me in real life they’ll be like “ehh, who are you trying to fool?!” I’m such a superficial person. It’s so stupid but I think this eating disorder has degraded me as a person. It seems like the only thing I can offer is the way I look. I just don’t really have I great personality and I’m even worse when I first meet people. I’m shy, quiet and boring. So that’s why it’s so important to me to be notthisfat when I start.

the great depression

I have told you guys that I have my own place right? For the time being I’m staying at my parents though. But I’m thinking maybe it’s about time I move out. Like really. I tried to move out a couple of months ago but that kind of failed. My address is still at my own place but I have just spent most of my time at my parents.

I don’t know, I just feel really lonely and depressed at my own place. It’s weird cause when I’m around other people I usually just want them to go away and be alone. But when I’m alone everything just seems even worse. But I think being alone is good for losing weight. (unless I turn into my good old crazy bulimic state of mind. I cannot!)

I’m so angry with my parents. When things were really bad like a year ago I told my mom about my eating disorder and depression and my fucked up mind but she hasn’t really mentioned it since. When I told her she was like “ehh, yeah, we kind of knew…” WTF?! I also told my little sister. But the next day we just all sat eating dinner like nothing had happened. I so regret telling them. Not that it made much of a difference but they don’t deserve to know. I now they think I’m fine now because I’m fat. One day during our vacation my sister made a really mean joke about people who go to a counselor to lose weight. She was really sarcastic and like “arhh, my life is so hard, I just can’t stop eating because I have all of these feelings. Whiny whiny.” Ehh, sister, what the hell? Has she completely forgotten the small detail that I actually have an eating disorder? I guess. That’s the ugly truth: people don’t give a shit if you’re not thin.   

I just thought I would be so much happier once I moved out so when I found out that moving out didn’t really made any change I just got even more depressed. And fat. Maybe it will be different this time. It just doesn’t make any sense. I hate my parents, they make me so fucking angry but at the same time I just want them to take care of me.

This is what I want:

-          I want to lose so much weight and die so that they will feel bad for not taking me seriously

-          I want to cut my wrist and bleed before their eyes

-          I want them to love me and not be so disappointed in me

-          I want them to help me

-          I want to yell at them and show them my scars

-          I want to never talk to them again  

It’s so stupid and I can’t figure it out.

This seems very dramatic and really it’s not. I’m just so confused and had to get it out.

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I have been back for 5 days and I have been at the gym 3 times so that’s fine. Next week I’ll go 4 times!

it's a long long way

I actually wrote this Wednesday but blogger has been really weird! I can inform you that I have been doing okay and worked out twice since I got back. Not too bad but I could have been doing better too.

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I’m back! Yeah man. I got back yesterday. My vacation was great, my parents were kind of annoying but I had a great time with my sisters. We went to the beach almost every day and after two weeks I actually felt a little better about wearing a bikini. Not great, but okay. 

My vacation in numbers:

I threw up 6 times

I worked out twice

One day I pretended to be sick so I could stay home and binge/purge

… = Not good!

But weirdly I’m not feeling too bad about it. And this morning I had the guts to weigh myself (dare devil!!) and it said 66.6 kg. (146.5 pounds) I didn’t weigh myself before I went away so I actually don’t know how much I have gained, but I think it’s around 2 kg (4,4 pounds) so it’s not too bad.

In other news I got into university and today I have accepted my spot so the next three years I’m gonna study math. My sister is also studying math. Needless to say I really don’t want to be known as the fat sister. The first day is August 29 so I have 26 days to do something about my fatness. That’s not a lot of time and it’s limited how much of difference I can make, I know this. And this is why I’m gonna do it differently this time. Inspired by my older sister I’m gonna make exercise my main focus. She has not lost any weight, she actually says she has gained a bit but she looks really good. Like me she is kind of bigger boned so she doesn’t look skinny or anything but she looks really toned. I was so surprised when I saw her calves, they looked so defined. My legs are the worst thing about my body, I have the dreaded cankles and my legs just look so fucking fat! It’s gross. I have always avoided too much strength training for my legs cause I didn’t wanted them to look bigger but this was obviously a big mistake. My sister has been going to the gym the last three months, she has been doing strength training (bodypump!) like 1-2 times a week and some kind of dance one time a week.

So this is THE PLAN

-          Going to the gym at least 3 times a week

-          Strength training at least 2 times a week

-          Some kind of cardio at least one time a week

-          All the work out session will last for at least an hour

Is this too easy? I can never tell. It probably is. I mean, I only have 26 days for god’s sake. I don’t know.

I also don’t know what to do about food. We have a lot of family gatherings so that’s gonna be difficult. I think I’m gonna aim for like 1000 calories a day or something like that and I should eat a lot of protein.

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I will make a decent update tomorrow! Seriously