Au revoir les enfants

I’m sorry but this will be really short cause I have a lot of packing to do.

So the weekend with my sisters didn’t go too well. I ate a lot and we also had dessert. Not good! And yesterday night I binged and purged for no apparent reason. So stupid. But today I went to the gym so I’m not completely defeated. I really don’t feel ready to wear a bikini on the beach but I just have to suck it up. (or in?) It will still be a great vacation but sadly there’s no internet so I have to do without blogger for 2 weeks. Noooooo!

 So I have to not gain weight on our vacation. Actually I won’t know if I have cause I haven’t weighed myself in a while and I doubt I will do it tonight before leaving. But seriously, I cannot just eat and eat and say fuck it, I’ll just lose it when I get home cause honestly, I haven’t lost weight in a million years. I cannot keep getting fatter! So I’m packing my running-shoes and I will do some kind of workout in the house and then I can go for swims too. And hopefully we’ll walk a lot. The real problem is the food. Last year was so bad. Sometimes I left the beach early so I could go home and throw up but that’s just too sad and gross and freaky. Not this time!!!! Breakfast is the only meal that’s not completely awful cause we eat that at home. So I’ll get some low fat yoghurt I guess. And fruit. But we’re eating out for lunch and dinner. And it’s Italy so I guess pizza? And pasta which I thankfully don’t like. Okay rule number 1: Lunch or dinner (or both) must be a salad. And a healthy, low-calorie thing, that means no dressing, and I don’t get to eat the cheese and other fattening toppings. Rule number 2: all ice-cream must be a) sorbet or b)less than 100 calories, except 2 times. We will probably eat a lot of ice-cream and I really have to save my calories for the real meals. Rule number 3: I shall never say no to any kind of exercise. If my sister asks me to go the store with her I say yes. Yes yes yes. Rule number 4: throwing up should be out of the question but if I have to it should not be seen as an excuse to binging just because “I’m gonna throw up anyway.” No no no.

C’est ca.

Do you look like this in a bikini?

 

I hope you guys have a wonderful 2 weeks and I’m gonna catch up on your blogs as soon as I get back. Walk tall and keep your head up. Au revoir!

/Actually it’s not that short. Now I seriously need to go packing!

7 & 8 – When you’re body screams tell it to shut up

Yesterday I went to the movies to watch Harry Potter! And omfg it was so amazing. It’s so sad that it’s over now. I almost started crying when the movie ended. The only bad thing was the candy I ate while watching it. I tried to control myself but ended up eating candy AND nuts. Not great! But I skipped dinner to minimize the damage.

Today was better. I went to the gym again (it may actually have turned into a habit?! Wtf!) to this class called Bodypump. It was pretty good, but there’s not any cardio, it’s just weight training, but that’s fine too.

I’m not sure about the eating today. I really feel I’m depriving myself all this food, but at the same time I seem to eat whatever I want. It’s weird, but I’m pretty sure I kept my intake under 1000 calories. I haven’t really had any meals but I’m constantly snacking. (telling myself I’m keeping my metabolism up, good one!)

In other new I seriously need to get my sleeping-pattern back on track again. I don’t know how but I always manage to fuck it up when I don’t go to school. This last week I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 4 am. The only good thing about that it that I sleep until like 11 or 12 am so I can kind of skip breakfast. But surely I shouldn’t have to sleep to avoid eating. But I’m pretty sure this will change on our vacation. I would be so much more excited if I wasn’t this fat, but I refuse to let it ruin my vacation. I.will.have.fun!!!!

Mia and I have made a deal about not gaining weight on our vacations. It will be tough for sure. I always tell myself I will be able to do good when I’m on vacation with my family but I always fail majorly. I will have to come up with some sort of plan. I will post it when I figure things out.

Tomorrow my little sister and I are visiting our bigger sister. We will sleep at her place but just for one night. I’ll probably gain weight from that since we will be eating lunch, dinner, breakfast and lunch. And snacks. Fuuuck. Wish me luck!

/Just talked to my sister and we agreed that we would eat lunch before meeting tomorrow, so if I eat something really low-caloric for breakfast/lunch before meeting her, tomorrow shouldn’t be too bad.  

6 – Big dreamer with little motivation

My motivation just seems to slip away by the smallest breeze. (= I’m extremely lazy)

I went to the gym for an hour today. I went to this bodystep class but I’m not sure how many calories I burned, it could be anything from 300 to 500 calories I think. Plus taking my bike there. The last week I have been going to the gym every other day and the other days I have been doing something light like going for a walk or on my bike. That’s pretty good I’d say so even if I’m not losing weight I’m getting more toned. (At least that’s what I’m telling myself. Woman in denial about own fatness.)

Food-wise I’ve been doing okay, definitely not more than 1000 calories.  But I’m not gonna weigh myself tomorrow, I don’t wanna lose my motivation. I have bought a lot of new music today so that’s very exciting. Like the Strokes new album:

I cannot get over how great this is!

And now something even more exciting: HARRY POTTER! I’m gonna go see it tomorrow, holy fuck, yes! I can’t wait. I hear it’s great. How could it not be? But I’m sure I’ll be really sad when it’s over. It’s the end of an era after all.

Lovely Luna. I think she's my favorite

/Still, blogger is refusing to let me see the people who follow my blog so if you feel neglected just let me know.

5 – Fuck (me)

So yesterday I decided to weigh myself. BIG MISTAKE! I had gained weight and quite a lot. I was so shocked I don’t remember the exact number but it was a new highest weight. What the fuck? Why? I have been doing good and been going to the gym regularly and then I gain weight. What the hell am I supposed to do then? Argh fuck, it’s not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was not good. The weight gain made me lose my motivation. I should not have weighed myself. When will I learn?

Something good happened today though. There’s this guy I like quite a lot (not the guy from the other post. God, it’s hard to keep track on all these suitors!) but I don’t really know him and I’ve always assumed that he didn’t know I existed. My sister overheard him talking to his friend and he said that he thought I was really pretty. He also said I looked like Angelina Jolie which is completely off. I mean I’m blond, 5”5 and have zero sex-appeal and I’m not mysterious and confident but more boring and sweet. But it’s still nice! This guy is so nice. He’s really smart AND he’s an athlete (which actually could cause some problems because I don’t like feeling lazy/in bad shape but who am I kidding, it probably won’t be relevant like ever!). Also he doesn’t really know how to talk to girls which is weird because he’s pretty hot I’d say. But that just makes him even cuter. This made my day a little less crappy. Actually very less crappy (Can you say that?)(I’m such a silly girl whose self-esteem is determined by guy’s opinions. Damn it. I really wish it wasn’t so.)    

Why you looking like me bitch? (daaaaaamn, how can you be so fucking hot?)

4 – Obesity

Every other Dane is overweight. That’s shocking! (And makes me feel a little better about myself.) 15 % are obese.

Let’s not be one of them! Reason to not be obese:

Higher risk at

-           Diabetes

-           Heart attack

-           Stroke

-           Heart diseases

-           Thrombosis

-           Cancer

-           Being depressed (naturally!)

-           Discrimination

… and many more. (Especially the simple fact that YOU WOULD BE OEBESE. Hallo, that’s fat * 1000! )  

I always feel so bad when I watch these shows about fat people. They scare the shit out of me actually. I think it’s because I can’t rule out the fact that I one day could be obese. Really, it’s just another eating disorder isn’t it? I watched supersize vs. superskinny and the skinny woman was eating like 5 mouthfuls and was like “God, I’m so full now.” That’s so not me! I can eat and eat and eat (thank you bulimia!) Most days the only thing separating me from the fat people is my very developed ability to throw up. I can easily eat amounts of food that normal people would consider extreme and sickening. I don’t trust myself around food and if I not keep controlling my food in this sick way I’m sure I would gain tons of weight.

I really (REALLY!) wish I was naturally skinny. I’m more curvy and big-boned. I wonder what it’s like to never obsess about your weight. Some of my friends just eat what they feel like and magically they keep a steady weight. I don’t seem to have that ability. I’m either a) starving and losing or b) Binging and gaining or c) Binging and purging and keeping a pretty steady weight. It just doesn’t seem fair, you know. But yeah, I guess I did this to myself.

My point is that if I’m not losing weight I’m gaining (or throwing up like a mad person!) so I really need to get thin and not obese. (maybe one of my issues is that I see everything so black and white? I’ll work on that some other day.)

So today is day 4. I went to the gym and think I burned like 300-400 calories plus I went on my bike to get there (-150). And I think my intake is around 800 calories, so all together this was a pretty good day. I’m actually a little surprised that I haven’t fucked this up yet. Yeah okay, it’s only been 4 days but still, this is unusual. I hope I can keep this going.

I want to post some pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt because in a weird way I feel like a can totally relate to her. Her weight has also fluctuated a lot and her legs are kind of on the bigger side just like mine. But still, she is extremely beautiful. (I could definitely do her, any day!)

March 2009

March 2010

One year ago

Very recent

This is what happens when you don’t pay attention: The pounds start packing on!

2 & 3 – About a boy

I’m not sure why I didn’t post yesterday. Day 2 of my 11 days challenge went pretty well. I went to the gym with my sister to this class “Tighten up” and it was a summer-event so it lasted for 90 minutes. I’m thinking it was great cause I can barely walk today. Also I’m pretty sure I stayed under 1000 calories.

Today was not so good. My family who lives far away (OK 1 hour away, but that’s far away in Denmark) came over and my mom made brunch. I ate too much but it wasn’t like a binge. And after they left I thought about eating more food and then throwing up but I didn’t. So that’s pretty good. I’m guessing I’ve eaten about 1500-2000 calories but I don’t know. That’s kind of gross but there is nothing I can do about it now. I’ll go to the gym tomorrow and try to keep my intake around 700-800 calories. Hopefully that will make up for today. This morning I actually thought my stomach looked a little flatter than a week ago, but I cannot trust my eyes or the mirror. Such liars, the only thing I can rely on is my weight. And for the time being I’m too scared to weigh myself. Maybe I’ll weigh in on Wednesday depending on how the next days turn out   

And now to something completely different. (Or not completely, cause it’s all entangled in these mysteries ways)

Something weird has happened. It’s about a boy. And I’m not used to this. It’s complicated and very boring so if you’re in a hurry you can skip this. I just need to get it out cause it’s so stupid.  It’s a boy from my class. I will call him Pauly (that’s not his name, but I think he kind of looks like Pauly D!). Anyway, sometimes when our group of friends go out he and I end up sleeping at my place or his place alone. And nothing happens, really. Like, it’s been close but it just doesn’t happen. Which is fine I think cause a) I don’t really like him like that and b) he has a girlfriend. (A stupid girlfriend who does athletics and has a totally trained body. But her thigh muscles are manly big and she doesn’t have any breasts. Ha!).

His girlfriend is pretty angry at me which I guess is fair. Our school threw this party just before the holiday and she was a waitress and she got really upset because Pauly and I sat close all night. I just don’t get him, he’s really mean actually. Cause then after his girlfriend was mad/sad he wanted to come home with me, and so he did. And then I wanted to sleep at my place but I threw him out. (pretty proud of myself for that one!)

Thing is, we don’t talk that much when we’re sober. Alcohol is the main ingredient in our “relationship” but lately we have been talking more. He’s not a very nice guy. When he’s drunk he’s brutally honest. He told my one friend that she was really ugly without makeup on. You don’t say that. And in a weird way he has also affected my weight I think. He said all these things:

“You were getting kind of fat last year, but now it’s going the other way.”

“You’re thighs are actually pretty great”

“You’ll be that kind of girl that all boys want”

And stuff like that and it just fucks with my mind. People never understand how much their comment effect you. I never forget those kinds of comments, but when I feel bad about myself they will be played repeatedly in my head. I do like the fact that he always calls me Hot Stuff! I just don’t think I like him.

“I need a condom cause I’m being mindfucked!”

A couple of days ago he asked me if a wanted to have dinner with him. Just the two of us. And I panicked and came up with a stupid lie. (“Eh no, I’m all booked for next 8 days, sorry” = bravo, Astrid, bravo!) It probably could have been nice but no, I’m such a sissy. I thought, oh no what if it would be awkward, what if he tried anything, what if he finds out how stupid and boring I am? I tell myself I said no cause it was the decent thing to do (he has a girlfriend for god’s sake!) but really I just freaked out. Argh, it’s no wonder I don’t have any life-experience when I’m too scared to do anything.

Yeah that was it. No grand conclusion just whining about my silly life. I think that’s the word. Silly. It’s all so silly and honestly it doesn’t matter. Does it ever?



1 - Nothing better than a clean slate

I haven’t been posting the last couple of days because I have been feeling fat. And not like a little bloated (well yeah, that too) but just really really fat and disgusting. Sadly this made me so depressed that I haven’t been able to drag myself to the gym. And my eating hasn’t been all that great either. But I’m gonna change things!

In the last 16 days I have only been throwing up once -> huge improvement. It’s a horrible coping mechanism/habit/religious ritual that just doesn’t do me any good. The only thing it helps me with is getting rid of my guilt for eating too much but it doesn’t help me lose weight. I can’t say I’m going to stop entirely but I will definitely try to limit my use of this nasty craze.  

I need to stop whining about my fatness and just do something about it. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of days but I got a feeling that the number won’t be too pretty. I CANNOT (!!) weigh more than 65 kg (143 pounds) but I seriously hope that the number is lower. I leave for Sicily in 11 days so I should be able to lose 6 pounds by then. But that is not enough, I mean, I’ll be wearing a bikini most of the time for god’s sake! I originally wanted to be less than 60 kg (132 pounds) by the time we’re leaving but I think I have to acknowledge that that won’t happen. The only way I could accomplish that would be if I just didn’t eat for the next 11 days (I’m not even sure that would do it). But a) I don’t want to completely fuck up my metabolism and b) yeah, me not eating for 11 days?, like that would ever happen.

I think it’s better if I just take it slowly. I need to:

-          Go to the gym more frequently

-          Control my snacking

-          Use a self-tanner lotion

-          Catch up on your guys’ blogs

I don’t have a lot of plans these next days (years) so I will have a lot of time to focus on my weight-loss.  

This will be my own challenge: How much weight can I lose in 11 days? I’m not gonna make any rules like a calorie limit or anything cause I know that will just make me even more depressed when I don’t stay under the limit. But I will do my best, I really will.

I actually went to the gym yesterday and I’m pretty sore today so I don’t think I’ll go again. But I will keep my intake under 800 calories.

I want to look good in a bikini:

Let’s do this!

Take it or leave it

Back after a week of festival. It was amazing. We saw so many great artists like Arctic Monkeys, Iron Maiden, WhoMadeWho, Deadmau5, Lykke Li and My Chemical Romance! But the best concert was THE STROKES! I had kind of forgotten how much I loved this band and I was reminded. They were so amazing!.

Favorite song!

I don’t want to bore you guys with all the details but I had so much fun and I met a bunch of great people. And today I have applied to university. I’m gonna study math. I’m pretty happy about that decision and if I change my mind I will just drop out. Yeah!

My eating hasn’t been too bad. I have gained like 2 pounds but considering the amounts of alcohol I have been drinking the last week I can’t complain. I’m okay with this, now I just need to work it off. And I will.

I’m really tired and I have a lot of blogs to read so I think this will just be it for now.

But I found this and I thought it was really funny:

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home. SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room. FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door. ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.