new kid on the block

This is kind of weird, writing to no one. It reminds me of my favorite book, We need to talk about Kevin. I'm not even sure I'm doing this right. I'm really bad at this computer technology thing. And my english is kind of crappy. As I'm writing this I'm not quite sure why I made this blog.

No wait, I feel lonely and I think it would be helpful for me (and my weight) if I feel like someone is listening. 

This is my first post ever. I have actually been reading a lot of blogs anonymously the last year, but I started feeling a little too creepy and stalker-ish. (Which actually resembles my behavior in real life, i guess.) I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder or depression, but I have definitely been having issues with myself the last seven years.

I'm 18. I'm not sure when I started having these issues. It's not like a have some big traumatic experience to blame. It more crept up on me, slowly but surely. In a way, I think it was always there. The first time I remembering feeling fat was when I was around 10 years old and we were going swimming once a week in school. This girl from my class told me: "You don't have to worry. You're not fat. Line (another girl from our class) is fat." I know, she didn't say I was fat, but it was just the way that she said it. As if I had been thinking I was fat. I don't know why, but this episode made such a strong impression on me. I still remember it clearly. From that point on I started feeling really bad about myself. I wasn't fat, but I was pretty developed compared to a lot of the other girls.

(Sorry for the rambling. I will try to control it.)

Long story short:
I have been dieting since the age of 11.
I have been throwing up since I was 13.
My weight has fluctuated A LOT since then.

Currently I'm fat. And I'm so sick of it. This morning I weighed 63,4 kg. (139,5 pounds, I think). I'm 165 cm. (I really don't know about this, but maybe it's like 5"5?). This gives me a BMI of 23,3. Feel free to be grossed out. I am. 

I wanted to post some pictures but I'm too much of a blogging-noob to figure out how. (This is also the reason why the background/layout is like this. I think it sort of gives a wrong impression of me. I'm not as bubbly or happy as the sunny skies suggest.) 

PS. My name is Astrid.
PS2. The profile picture is of me. I have changed the background, because I feared that someone would recognize my wardrobe. (Yeah, it's the wardrobe that would reveal me. Not my shirt or the fact that I use my real name)