same old

Since I couldn’t binge this morning I turned to a much more acceptable coping-mechanism: exercise! That’s right, so since I’ve been back, the last 10 days I’ve been at the gym 7 times! Yes sir. I was pretty sore when I woke up so I just took a yoga class. And yeah, I also find it pretty boring, but I think I finally understood some of the moves cause my legs started to really hurt. I also went shopping, I bought two dresses in size 36 (us 6, uk 8 (??)) and they fit pretty well. It’s good to know I’m not completely overweight. One of the dresses is very tight and I think it will look so good once I lose these love-handles. Anytime soon! (never stop believing….!! Lol ) I also bought a book, “The curious incident of the dog in the night-time”, that’s what it’s called. I’m also reading a book with novels my Raymond Carver and they’re so great.

Also since I couldn’t binge this morning I binged in the evening. Fuck me, I’m so retarded. Sometimes I think I only binge so I can purge. But the main reason is probably just that I’m a week food-addict. It’s funny, I have never binged/purged as little as I’m doing now and I have never weighed this much. (funny funny!...) It just doesn’t make any sense. I always thought I would lose much more if I stopped binging/purging because I never got enough out but I guess that’s not the case. I think mia is slowly creeping up on me again, not that she/it ever really left but she kept quiet. (Does anybody else find it weird to personify their ED??!! It seems like a lot of people do it, but I’m not really feeling it. But it makes it easier to write about.)

I don’t really have anything to say. Throwing up makes me more depressed.

Ps. I know I have been terrible at commenting on your guys’ blogs lately, I will work on it.  

No brain

/This was written yesterday!

I hung out with my friend yesterday and guess what? We actually had fun and it wasn’t awkward as I had predicted. So typical me. But she also brought buns (all white bread) that she wanted us to eat. I ate like one half. And then later I went to the gym with my sister for the fourth day in a row so during the last 7 days I’ve been going to the gym 5 times! I know I keep talking about it but it’s just because I’m so surprised by myself. Some months I only go 5 times (or less!).

I couldn’t sleep last night and I got really frustrated but I finally managed to fall asleep at like 3:30 am and this morning I had to get up at 7:30 because some electric guy was coming. So I’m really tired now, but I don’t want to take a nap cause I wanna be able to fall asleep tonight. I don’t have any plans today which is not so great. I think I’ll eat dinner at my parents because my other sister (the one who doesn’t live at home) is coming too and I really want to talk to her. The thought of going to my parents place is a little scary though, mainly cause of the endless binge options. I have been doing pretty well lately with food but it’s probably because I don’t really have I choice. I only bought vegetables and some fruit so that makes it a lot easier not to binge. I guess I shouldn’t go to my parents too long before dinner-time cause I’ll just eat and eat and eat.

Today:

I started this morning with a lovely binge! I should feel bad about it but I’m just kind of numb. I’m at my parents place and tomorrow they’re getting a new bath (can you say that?) so the plumber is gonna be here all day and that really annoys me cause I actually know now that I want to binge/purge again tomorrow. My mom has baked the most delicious cake and I dream of eating it and then throwing it all up. God, I’m sick! Anyway, it’s probably for the best that I won’t be able to.

I don’t really know how many calories I’ve had today. The binge was pretty massive, like 2000 calories but I think I got a good amount of it back up. (Yummy!) After that I didn’t eat much before going to the gym. And after I snacked a bit on like fruit and yoghurt and cereal but it probably added up. I don’t know, I guess I’m just pretty happy that this day is over. I really shouldn’t want to binge. It’s not that I want it actually; I just know I won’t be able to control myself. How lame! I can control myself right? I’m in control. …. (no I’m not, not at all.) Fuck I think I’m going completely insane. At least I have lost 1 kg since last I weighed myself.   

cleaning up my mess

Back from the gym. I didn’t want to do anything too hard since I worked out yesterday (and the day before that) and I’ll be going again tomorrow so I took a yoga class. And I chose a gym that’s like 30 minutes away (on my bike). I met my friend at the gym and she asked if she could visit me tomorrow. I know I have been complaining about being lonely but just the moment she asked me I started making excuses. But yeah, I just texted her that she could come because I think that’s the normal thing to do. I haven’t seen her in a while and I just know it will be awkward. I told her she could get here at like 12 and I have to meet my sister at the gym at 17, so it’s not that long. I just really have to clean this place before she gets here. I have just cleaned the toilet and it was so gross.

I’m doing pretty well with food. Today I bought a lot of vegetables so I made a salad for dinner which was quite nice. I also added some egg-whites for some protein. I guess I have had like 700 calories today. And exercising is also going really well. I don’t have a scale here but when I come back to my parents I’ll weigh myself. Hopefully I have lost some weight by then.

I know I seem pretty depressed at the moment but I actually also feel very motivate. I know I will lose this weight because I have to. I don’t want to feel this way about myself. I want to look good. But I think I have become less focused on my weight and more on the way I look. I really want to build some muscle-mass and lose this fat so I if I’m not losing so much in the beginning I won’t be too depressed. I want to get my metabolism going and I want to have defined legs. I used to want to be really thin but now I’m aiming for toned. You know, still skinny-ish but not in a sick way, just fit, lean and healthy. I want it to look effortless too.        

How do I look?

Yesterday I went to my own place. I want to stay here for a while and make my parents miss me but I don’t think they will. whatever. Problem is that I don’t really have anything to do here. And we all know that depressed + lonely + bored = binging. Like this morning I started thinking that since I’m alone here I could go down to the supermarket and buy a lot of shitty food, eat it and then throw up. Wouldn’t that make a wonderful day?

Seriously, it’s so lame that I have to distract myself 24/7 in order to prevent myself from eating. I’m a woman obsessed. I should go to the gym. I actually think I will. And I should clean my bathroom. And maybe buy some food. But I can’t go to the supermarket when I’m in the mood for a binge. God, my life is so exciting. Maybe this is a great time to make plans with my friends. It’s kind of sad that I use friends as a distraction to not eat.

Speaking of sad I’m pretty nervous about starting at uni so I have just read a bunch of articles like “How to make a great first impression”, “How to make friends” and “How to smalltalk.” Seriously, why am I such a loser? I need to make sure I delete the things I have searched on google before starting. We also have to upload a “lifelike” picture of our self to the uni-webside. I’ve been stressing so much about this.  I want it to be a nice picture but it shouldn’t look like I’m trying too hard. I can’t find my camera so I need to choose one from facebook and it’s so difficult because most pictures of me on facebook I’m either a) gross or b) really drunk. (Usually both!) I also don’t wanna choose a really great picture and then when they see me in real life they’ll be like “ehh, who are you trying to fool?!” I’m such a superficial person. It’s so stupid but I think this eating disorder has degraded me as a person. It seems like the only thing I can offer is the way I look. I just don’t really have I great personality and I’m even worse when I first meet people. I’m shy, quiet and boring. So that’s why it’s so important to me to be notthisfat when I start.

the great depression

I have told you guys that I have my own place right? For the time being I’m staying at my parents though. But I’m thinking maybe it’s about time I move out. Like really. I tried to move out a couple of months ago but that kind of failed. My address is still at my own place but I have just spent most of my time at my parents.

I don’t know, I just feel really lonely and depressed at my own place. It’s weird cause when I’m around other people I usually just want them to go away and be alone. But when I’m alone everything just seems even worse. But I think being alone is good for losing weight. (unless I turn into my good old crazy bulimic state of mind. I cannot!)

I’m so angry with my parents. When things were really bad like a year ago I told my mom about my eating disorder and depression and my fucked up mind but she hasn’t really mentioned it since. When I told her she was like “ehh, yeah, we kind of knew…” WTF?! I also told my little sister. But the next day we just all sat eating dinner like nothing had happened. I so regret telling them. Not that it made much of a difference but they don’t deserve to know. I now they think I’m fine now because I’m fat. One day during our vacation my sister made a really mean joke about people who go to a counselor to lose weight. She was really sarcastic and like “arhh, my life is so hard, I just can’t stop eating because I have all of these feelings. Whiny whiny.” Ehh, sister, what the hell? Has she completely forgotten the small detail that I actually have an eating disorder? I guess. That’s the ugly truth: people don’t give a shit if you’re not thin.   

I just thought I would be so much happier once I moved out so when I found out that moving out didn’t really made any change I just got even more depressed. And fat. Maybe it will be different this time. It just doesn’t make any sense. I hate my parents, they make me so fucking angry but at the same time I just want them to take care of me.

This is what I want:

-          I want to lose so much weight and die so that they will feel bad for not taking me seriously

-          I want to cut my wrist and bleed before their eyes

-          I want them to love me and not be so disappointed in me

-          I want them to help me

-          I want to yell at them and show them my scars

-          I want to never talk to them again  

It’s so stupid and I can’t figure it out.

This seems very dramatic and really it’s not. I’m just so confused and had to get it out.

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I have been back for 5 days and I have been at the gym 3 times so that’s fine. Next week I’ll go 4 times!

it's a long long way

I actually wrote this Wednesday but blogger has been really weird! I can inform you that I have been doing okay and worked out twice since I got back. Not too bad but I could have been doing better too.

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I’m back! Yeah man. I got back yesterday. My vacation was great, my parents were kind of annoying but I had a great time with my sisters. We went to the beach almost every day and after two weeks I actually felt a little better about wearing a bikini. Not great, but okay. 

My vacation in numbers:

I threw up 6 times

I worked out twice

One day I pretended to be sick so I could stay home and binge/purge

… = Not good!

But weirdly I’m not feeling too bad about it. And this morning I had the guts to weigh myself (dare devil!!) and it said 66.6 kg. (146.5 pounds) I didn’t weigh myself before I went away so I actually don’t know how much I have gained, but I think it’s around 2 kg (4,4 pounds) so it’s not too bad.

In other news I got into university and today I have accepted my spot so the next three years I’m gonna study math. My sister is also studying math. Needless to say I really don’t want to be known as the fat sister. The first day is August 29 so I have 26 days to do something about my fatness. That’s not a lot of time and it’s limited how much of difference I can make, I know this. And this is why I’m gonna do it differently this time. Inspired by my older sister I’m gonna make exercise my main focus. She has not lost any weight, she actually says she has gained a bit but she looks really good. Like me she is kind of bigger boned so she doesn’t look skinny or anything but she looks really toned. I was so surprised when I saw her calves, they looked so defined. My legs are the worst thing about my body, I have the dreaded cankles and my legs just look so fucking fat! It’s gross. I have always avoided too much strength training for my legs cause I didn’t wanted them to look bigger but this was obviously a big mistake. My sister has been going to the gym the last three months, she has been doing strength training (bodypump!) like 1-2 times a week and some kind of dance one time a week.

So this is THE PLAN

-          Going to the gym at least 3 times a week

-          Strength training at least 2 times a week

-          Some kind of cardio at least one time a week

-          All the work out session will last for at least an hour

Is this too easy? I can never tell. It probably is. I mean, I only have 26 days for god’s sake. I don’t know.

I also don’t know what to do about food. We have a lot of family gatherings so that’s gonna be difficult. I think I’m gonna aim for like 1000 calories a day or something like that and I should eat a lot of protein.

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I will make a decent update tomorrow! Seriously

Au revoir les enfants

I’m sorry but this will be really short cause I have a lot of packing to do.

So the weekend with my sisters didn’t go too well. I ate a lot and we also had dessert. Not good! And yesterday night I binged and purged for no apparent reason. So stupid. But today I went to the gym so I’m not completely defeated. I really don’t feel ready to wear a bikini on the beach but I just have to suck it up. (or in?) It will still be a great vacation but sadly there’s no internet so I have to do without blogger for 2 weeks. Noooooo!

 So I have to not gain weight on our vacation. Actually I won’t know if I have cause I haven’t weighed myself in a while and I doubt I will do it tonight before leaving. But seriously, I cannot just eat and eat and say fuck it, I’ll just lose it when I get home cause honestly, I haven’t lost weight in a million years. I cannot keep getting fatter! So I’m packing my running-shoes and I will do some kind of workout in the house and then I can go for swims too. And hopefully we’ll walk a lot. The real problem is the food. Last year was so bad. Sometimes I left the beach early so I could go home and throw up but that’s just too sad and gross and freaky. Not this time!!!! Breakfast is the only meal that’s not completely awful cause we eat that at home. So I’ll get some low fat yoghurt I guess. And fruit. But we’re eating out for lunch and dinner. And it’s Italy so I guess pizza? And pasta which I thankfully don’t like. Okay rule number 1: Lunch or dinner (or both) must be a salad. And a healthy, low-calorie thing, that means no dressing, and I don’t get to eat the cheese and other fattening toppings. Rule number 2: all ice-cream must be a) sorbet or b)less than 100 calories, except 2 times. We will probably eat a lot of ice-cream and I really have to save my calories for the real meals. Rule number 3: I shall never say no to any kind of exercise. If my sister asks me to go the store with her I say yes. Yes yes yes. Rule number 4: throwing up should be out of the question but if I have to it should not be seen as an excuse to binging just because “I’m gonna throw up anyway.” No no no.

C’est ca.

Do you look like this in a bikini?

 

I hope you guys have a wonderful 2 weeks and I’m gonna catch up on your blogs as soon as I get back. Walk tall and keep your head up. Au revoir!

/Actually it’s not that short. Now I seriously need to go packing!