Pathetic

This night has been really crappy. Why?

1.   I binged and purged

2.   The purging part was really hard and extra gross today

3.   One of my friends made an update on facebook about how she was having fun at a restaurant with two of my other best friends. Thanks for the invitation bitches.

4.   I feel exceptionally lonely  and unloved

5.   There’s no good on TV

Fuck. I feel like crying but I can’t. I think I have dried up.  I feel like screaming because I don’t know what else to do. This is so stupid. I know that a good long cry will make me feel better but the tears are not coming. I used to cry all the time. Now the pain just turns into this silent anger. 

I just want to be thin. But I doubt thin people eat 8 cookies, 10 caramels, 2 bowels of cereal and 2 slices of bread. The binging part is so weird. In a way I know it’s coming, I can feel it. But at the same time I’m never sure how I suddenly ended up standing in the kitchen stuffing my face. It was after dinner and my mom said had bought these delicious caramels and cookies.  First I told myself that I had to eat a couple so my parents and sisters wouldn’t notice anything is up, but then my lovely bulimia tells me: “Fat ass, I can’t believe you just ate that. Now you HAVE to throw up. And if you’re going to throw up you might as well eat everything in sight.” And so I did.

It’s so frustrating. This morning I was 62.7 kg. Unless some magic power (maybe God?) decides to be kind to me my weight will go up tomorrow.

I love this image. It sums up my life.

I don’t think I can ever stop purging. I’m mia’s bitch for sure. You know, it’s now that I enjoy it. It’s so gross; my throat hurts, my eyes cry, sometimes I even throw up blood. And yet I keep going back to this crazy ritual. After having purged I feel like I see things a little more clearly. In a way it’s really freeing that the way I’m acting reflects the chaos in my head. At all other times I try to act as normally as possible but in that very moment when I’m on my knees with the fingers down my throat there is finally a connection between how I feel and how I act. However this feeling doesn’t last very long. Purging is also very familiar to me. It’s what I do, it’s my thing. It has been my ultimate coping mechanism the last 4 years. I fear I may have missed the normal way of coping with feelings.

Also, I’m angry with my so-called friends. We are a group of 4 girls who used to do everything together. This changed when we started different schools in 2008, but I still think of us as a group of four. They seem to not share this view. I think I know why they didn’t ask me to go with them. I usually say no. (I usually feel like sitting alone in my room being depressed.) But still, they could have asked me. I know they think I’m a little weird for wanting to be alone. I don’t tell them I want to be alone, I normally come up with some lame excuse but I’m pretty sure they are on to me. They must have noticed that I am isolating myself, and I guess I just think that if they were my best friends they would talk to me about it. But maybe that is too much to ask. I really don’t know anymore.  It’s just every time they call me they make me feel so guilty for not seeing them more often. And the way they say it, it doesn’t seem like it’s because they actually miss me, they are always so blaming and offended.  I don’t know. I’m just imagining them now talking about their stupid former friend Astrid who they don’t really talk to anymore. Stupid! I always create these scenarios in my head and they are never too kind to me.

Which leads me to the fourth point. I feel lonely. I’m listening to love songs and it makes me so depressed. I feel like I have lost the love of my life without ever having known him. And the patheticness of that makes me even sadder.

Dear Astrid, get over yourself.

getting in the mood

As expected I didn’t reach my goal of being 62 kg today. I was 62.9 kg.  But it’s okay. I will get there. I’m not really sure if it’s doing more damage than good to make all these goalweights that must be reached at a certain date. Honestly, I never really seem to reach them.  And not reaching my goals makes me feel like a complete failure. Today in my calendar it said “Goal: 62.0 kg. Please!” Then it’s kind of depressing having to write “No! 62.9 kg.” But I love making plans and planning out what I will weigh at a certain day if I keep losing weight at this speed. I’d like to believe that it motivates me to do better, but I don’t know. I think I am doing my best right now. (Okay, sometimes I could be doing better, but it’s not like I fuck it up on purpose). I’m also really happy that I’m not throwing up as much as I used to. These past 2 weeks I have been throwing up three times. Huge improvement! Last summer I threw up like 3-4 times a day. Not recommendable!

My point is that I will just try to be as good as possible. That means eating as little as possible and exercising as much as possible. It’s gotta work. The only goal I have is that I have to be in the 50’s when we go on our vacation. Have to, have to, have to. And I will.

I want to lose weight so I can look this cute wearing a nude shirt:

I think she looks super cute. It reminds me of this festival I’m going to this summer. I know it will be so much more fun if I’m thinner. Then I can wear denim shorts, short dresses and wear a bikini confidently.

And some lovely pictures of the festival to get me in the right mood:

Fuck I’m excited!

stressing

Weight: 63,2 kg (139 pounds). Wow, that is a whole 200 gram weight loss over two days. What the hell is wrong with me. I need to step it up. (= stop eating!!!)

But I do have my reasons. I couldn't fall asleep Saturday night. It always takes me like 2 hours to fall asleep but that night I went to bed at 2 am, and it was 9:30 am before I managed to fall asleep. That is just crazy. And the combination of being really tired and well, awake, makes me eat. But I did hit the gym. And I biked for like 1 hours. (Can you say biked? ehh)

Today is better. It's almost dinnertime. Dinnertime =  meal with family = not too nice. So far I have had about 300 calories. 2 apples, a nectarine and some yoghurt. Oh and soup. 
I wanted to be 62,0 kg by tomorrow. I guess that ain't happening. It really annoys me. Shit. My sisters (I have 2, one older, one younger) and I are going to this wellness thing on Wednesday and that means I'll be wearing a bikini. The combination of me being fat and extremely pale makes me feel very anxious. People might me disgusted. Argh fuck. And to make it worse we are going to eat lunch together before. Yeah that will help on my fatness.

I really shouldn't be so focused on my weight right now. I have three exams coming up and I'm totally stressing about them. (but instead of studying I just whine about it. )
At my last exam I got a 7. I spent so much time on it and rehearsed it so many times, so I wasn’t too happy about that. It's no good for my average. I’m thinking about studying psychology and you have to have a average of 10,5. Not happening. I’m not sure you can convert the grades into A, B, C and whatever. It goes like this:
12: Perfect
10: Great great
7: Eh, average
4: Bad
02: You didn’t fail but it was pretty close
00: You did fail
-3: Retard

I don't want to be average. I want to be perfect damn it! So I have to do really well in the next exams. Please!

/It has taken forever to write this. I have to look up words in the dictionary (how sad). So now we have had dinner. It went OK I guess. All together I think I have had around 1000 calories today. Not great, but it could be way worse. But I’m not safe yet. Nighttime is also the time I’m most likely to binge. But I won’t tonight. I have an infection-thing in my mouth and I have a feeling that throwing up won’t make it go away faster.
Anyway, this night’s thinspiration will be myself; myself 7 kg lighter.     

This is probably only a thinspiration for me. I'm not underweight or skinny, but it really motives me to see how I much closer I used to be at my goal. Also, I'm not sure why I'm this naked. And sorry for the bad quality, but I can only upload pictures if I save them as GIF. Again, my computer skills are frightening.


PS. Thank you girls for following me! It's very nice of you :)! And to Charlie, yeah I did lose a lot of weight. I gained it all back. Twice. Fuck XD! 

wiser

Yo, I figured it out. I wanted to post this picture

This shows my weight since 2007 to now. Hmm. It's kind of depressing. I'm about to lose the same weight for the fifth time. Great!
(The red lines are goals I have set, and mainly not achieved)

new kid on the block

This is kind of weird, writing to no one. It reminds me of my favorite book, We need to talk about Kevin. I'm not even sure I'm doing this right. I'm really bad at this computer technology thing. And my english is kind of crappy. As I'm writing this I'm not quite sure why I made this blog.

No wait, I feel lonely and I think it would be helpful for me (and my weight) if I feel like someone is listening. 

This is my first post ever. I have actually been reading a lot of blogs anonymously the last year, but I started feeling a little too creepy and stalker-ish. (Which actually resembles my behavior in real life, i guess.) I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder or depression, but I have definitely been having issues with myself the last seven years.

I'm 18. I'm not sure when I started having these issues. It's not like a have some big traumatic experience to blame. It more crept up on me, slowly but surely. In a way, I think it was always there. The first time I remembering feeling fat was when I was around 10 years old and we were going swimming once a week in school. This girl from my class told me: "You don't have to worry. You're not fat. Line (another girl from our class) is fat." I know, she didn't say I was fat, but it was just the way that she said it. As if I had been thinking I was fat. I don't know why, but this episode made such a strong impression on me. I still remember it clearly. From that point on I started feeling really bad about myself. I wasn't fat, but I was pretty developed compared to a lot of the other girls.

(Sorry for the rambling. I will try to control it.)

Long story short:
I have been dieting since the age of 11.
I have been throwing up since I was 13.
My weight has fluctuated A LOT since then.

Currently I'm fat. And I'm so sick of it. This morning I weighed 63,4 kg. (139,5 pounds, I think). I'm 165 cm. (I really don't know about this, but maybe it's like 5"5?). This gives me a BMI of 23,3. Feel free to be grossed out. I am. 

I wanted to post some pictures but I'm too much of a blogging-noob to figure out how. (This is also the reason why the background/layout is like this. I think it sort of gives a wrong impression of me. I'm not as bubbly or happy as the sunny skies suggest.) 

PS. My name is Astrid.
PS2. The profile picture is of me. I have changed the background, because I feared that someone would recognize my wardrobe. (Yeah, it's the wardrobe that would reveal me. Not my shirt or the fact that I use my real name)