WOW you look amazing

I’m going to this huge fancy party in 13 days -> I have to lose weight, fast!

I’m quite certain that I’m not as disordered now as I used to be. I still feel fat (And since I have gained weight I in fact am..) and WANT to lose weight but I don’t seem to be doing anything about it. At the party the most important thing is to look great, not thin. I’m not going to starve myself for 2 weeks, I’m not even sure I would be able to. My eating will be clever and I will work out hard. I’ve been so lazy the last 6 months, but I will get my act together, not just to get slimmer but also for the sake of my health (kind of.)

Okay here’s the plan:

I will eat my meals, small and healthy.

I will eat gigantic amounts of vegetables.

I will not snack ALL DAY LONG.

I will do weight-training 2-3 days a week.

I will do cardio 1-2 days a week.

I will be active every day.

Yes, that’s it. Not drastic, just trying to look good in my pretty dress.

Ps. I really want my collarbones to be more prominent.

I'm so sorry

I don’t love you. I don’t think I’m in love with you. I’m not sure I ever was.

I like you liking me.

And I’ve got an awful feeling that you feel the same way.

I wish you would hurt me. I need an excuse for climbing back in my black hole.  

Girls! I’m so sorry I haven’t been around. I should be happy. I’ve made friends and gotten good grades, but lately I’ve been feeling.. well I don’t know. I just have this recurrent thought that something is wrong.  

I have a boyfriend.

I always imagined that I would be in this dramatic relationship. We would both be madly in love and we should share all our secrets. I should be feeling complete. It’s not like that. It’s more cozy. I don’t know if it’s enough for me.

I keep thinking he could find someone better than me. Someone funnier, someone smarter, someone thinner.

I need to lose weight. Help me!

I really hope you’re doing well. Not necessarily losing weight, but I hope life is good to you. Hopefully I’ll be more around.

Dramaqueen

Holy fuck, I had almost forgotten what it’s like to be so full you worry you’ll explode. Fuck! I had to lay down on the floor and wait for the intense pain to pass. And it did. And then I ate some more. And then I threw up.

What a lovely Saturday.

/Gross bulimic alert!!!

I think I got most of it up, but I’m never sure. How do you guys know you’ve got it all up? This is how it goes: The first I throw up is horrible and very liquid. Then it gets easier and it’s not too bad actually. But then I reach a certain point where it just seems like I can’t get more up. But if I keep trying I sometimes manage and then it’s always something like chocolate and other things that are difficult to get up. But this part just hurt so fucking much. And I start to cough and then sometimes things I have eaten a long time ago come up. Like some of dinner (I only had pores!) but it’s not like I have gotten all of the other shit out. But this is usually where I stop. I also don’t want to get caught.

/End

(If I looked like that I’d make friends. No doubt!)

The thought of starting at uni on Monday is so freaking scary. I really hope the other people are nice. We meet to eat breakfast together in groups of 15-20 people at 7:30. Argghhhhhhh (=anxiety attack!) I can just imagining sitting there in a heavy awkward silence searching through my mind to find something decent to say. And I won’t find anything. I’m so scared that I will just sit alone in a corner watching all the people getting along and bonding. No no no. This can’t happen. I’m not mean. I’m not a horrible person (…right?) so of course I’ll make some friends. Yes. One of my biggest concerns is, as always, my weight. I’m fat. I’m not overweight but I’m still fat. I look fat. My legs look gross. My hips are huge. But I have to tell myself that people will still be friends with me. They won’t make fun of me. They won’t talk about me behind my back. (I’m so scared!!!!!!) And WTF, meeting at 7:30 am??? That means I have to get up at like 6:30 or even earlier. I don’t even remember last time I got up that early. I’ll look all worn out.  

So I meet these people on Monday and then we go on a trip on Tuesday and we come back Saturday. So just so you guys know I probably won’t be able to post the next week. I don’t really know what to do about food those days. It’s such an issue when you’re fat. If I eat a lot people will think “whoa, no wonder you’re that fat. What a greedy and selfish bitch.” And if I try to eat less they’ll be like ”OMG, who the fuck is this bitch trying to fool? Obviously she eats a lot more normally.” Ideas are very welcome!

I should start packing. I don’t have a lot of time tomorrow since it’s my parent’s wedding-day. That also means tons of food. Let’s be honest: I’ll probably throw up.

Oh yeah, my best friend is going to India for 4 months. It was so weird when we said goodbye. We were both very aware of how it should have been. You know, like in the movies, with tears and a heart to heart. But we just both stood there like “okay, so this is it.” “Yeah, I guess.” “Okay then” “And I (IIIIIII) will always love you, IIIIIII…” So we just started singing. It’s not that I’m not going to miss her. I really mean it when I say she’s my best friend. She doesn’t know about my eating disorder or “that stuff” but I still think she gets me more than most people. I think I love her, but I’m not sure.

Anyway, this is long. One last thing:  I think my plan for meeting the new people at uni will be to smile a lot and really make an effort in (at?) talking to everybody. I know I suck at talking to strangers but if I just pretend to be cool about it, it shouldn’t be so bad. (Who am I kidding? It’s going to be a slow death. Nooo positive attitude! Nobody wants to talk to the depresso. Fuck it.)

devotion

I cannot keep doing this half-hearted. It’s no wonder I’m not losing weight because I’m not giving it my all. I can do better than this. I’m going to show them all. I’m going to make my parents sorry.

I really wish I wasn’t so fat right now since I’m starting at uni on Monday. 3 days? Yeah, I can’t really make any big changes before that. But I have decided not to be depressed about my previous failures ‘cause nothing good comes out of it. I can’t change what has already been done (or not done, actually) but I can change the future. I will not keep being this fat. I simply can’t.  

I know I should make some sort of plan but don’t know how life is gonna be once I start school. Hopefully I’ll be more stressed and have less time to eat. But probably also less time to go to the gym. I should go at least twice a week, preferable three or four times. I think there’ll also be a lot of social things with food and extreme amounts of alcohol. Hmm. I don’t know. I think I’ll just wait and see. The first week we’re going on a trip that pretty much revolves around alcohol and we have to wear a costume. And this year the theme is zoo. (!!!!) Fuck, right, like we don’t feel awkward enough without being dressed up like a monkey. I’m sure this will make the process of desperately trying to make friends much easier. Fuck! I’m thinking about dressing up as a bee ‘cause it’s kind of easy but of course people don’t go to the zoo to watch bees but I hope it’s okay. It’s almost an animal right? If you have any ideas please let me know. I just don’t want to come as a slutty bunny or cat or something like that. I really hope the other girls feel the same way. If not I’m going to look like the biggest loser in my bee costume.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a new dentist September 16 so I really shouldn’t throw up before that. I probably will but I should limit it as much as possible. I haven’t thrown up in 2 days = great! It’s been a long time you know.

I haven’t weighed myself in a while but here are some goal weights anyway.

·         September 24: Party at my old school – 63 kg (138,6 lbs)

·         October 16: Birthday – 61 kg (134,2 lbs)

·         December 3: Party at uni – 58 kg (127,6 lbs)

Not too drastic or anything. I just really want to make it.

Why?

(Words cannot describe how much I wish I had those legs. Oh my god!)  

I found these pictures at www.bwbw.blogspot.com she got them from heplmegetthin.tumblr.com.

I have been doing surprisingly well the last two days. I have definitely not had more than 1000 calories and I’ve been to the gym. Now I’m just scared I’m going to screw it up. But I won’t. I’m in control. I will lose this weight.

When will I learn...

… that it’s a bad (bad!) idea to put extra chili on the chili con carne when I plan on throwing it up?

I woke up this morning with the worst hangover known to human kind. So I stayed in bed until 3 pm. Then I met my sister for coffee. And then I ate dinner with my family and we had ice-cream for dessert. And now my throat hurts and my eyes are wet. I guess I deserve it.

I was so drunk last night. I ended up making out with this random guy. I don’t know why. Like seriously I don’t remember how that came to happen. I was probably pretty slutty, but you know, whatever. I had fun (of what I can remember anyway!) I was home at like 6 in the morning so I’m pretty tired now.  

Suck it and see

Why is it that I can work my ass off three days and if I’m lucky I lose one pound but then I have one bad day and I gain 2 pound? I’m never going to lose weight. I feel like giving up but I can’t let myself do that. Yesterday I weighed 65.1 kg so I hoped to get below 65 kg this morning but I ate dinner with my family yesterday so that didn’t happen. I didn’t even eat that much. I don’t think I had more than 1200 calories and I went for a walk but this morning I was 65.8 kg.

This time losing weight is not a joy. It’s a slave’s job that needs to be done for the sake of my mental well-being. I don’t look forward to weighing 64 kg or 63 kg cause that is still so fucking fat. Obviously this mindset is not very helpful to my weight-loss. I really want to lose weight but I just don’t think I can do much more than I’m doing right now. I go to the gym frequently and I restrict the best I can. I should be able to eat dinner with my family once in a while without fucking it all up.

I’ve been thinking about pretending to be sick today so I can fast for the rest of the day. And tomorrow I won’t be home for dinner cause I’m going out with some friends. And then Saturday I can say I’m too hung-over to eat. OR I could go to the gym tonight at dinner time and then just try to eat as little as possible? I don’t know. The latter is probably the smartest choice but I don’t really care at the moment. I just don’t want to be this fat.

I found some old pictures of myself. Looking at them is kind of depressing cause I don’t look like that at all anymore. Hopefully I will soon. Most of them are from January and I think I weighed like 57 kg (125 pound) but I didn’t work out that much back then.

/ps. I’m extremely scared that someone will recognize me in these pictures. If you do please never mention it. I will deny everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /

Paranoid that people will recognize me (or my room!)

Quite possibly the smallest gap ever observed. But better than touching thighs!!

   

Still huge hips, but much smaller waist!

… yeah I’m sucking it in but whatever!

And for something much grosser: how I look now! I took these two this morning and it does NOT look good. Also keep in mind I’m wearing heels, my legs are normally even worse. (ps. can you say grosser? ehh)

I also stumbled across this:

lol.

I should get back to hating the world and feeling sorry for myself. (I might even listen to some James Blunt!) You guys are so great!

 

future body!

I skipped the gym today and chose to binge/purge twice instead. I don’t really know why. Maybe I was discouraged by the fact that I had not lost any weight. I know I gave a whole speech about how losing weight is not the most important thing, that I just wanted to tone up, but after all I guess it was just bullshit. I wanna lose weight. I want this body: